Punk rock dating chapter 54: Shattered Nerves, Chattering Typewriters...
Getaway Sex:
2007 , New York City:
Marie and Dorothy:
Blur of sidewalks. Adrenaline. Heaving lungs beating hearts.
"I think we lost them," Dorothy stopped and panted, "I gotta go now! Meeting up with you was a mistake..."
"What the hell is going on?" Marie demanded to know.
"It's not about you...They don't care about you! It's me they want!"
Dorothy had heard that explanation in a poorly written movie some time ago.
"We're about a block away from my apartment. We'll hide there..." Marie insisted.
"Believe it or not it wasn't my intention to drag you into this..."
"Looks to be a little late for that..."
Marie tipped the drained doorman and crawled up the belly of the stairs to the pristine pale of room 222. Test tube maids scrubbed ivory statues of white folks nobody's ever heard of. There were no photos of close family friends, only paintings of wigged gentlemen who have been corpses for a couple of centuries now. Art that nobody could possibly notice, let alone care about. An antiseptic vase stood alone. And of course no TV...When Marie was bored she either did a little bit of writing or looked down on someone...
"Judging by the digs I'd guess your book has done quite well..."
"I'm satisfied with its performance.." Marie affirmed. "Now, who were those people chasing us...and why did they drug us?"
"Drug us? Oh you mean Bill and his friends...Well, it's a little complicated...They think I owe them some money or something...a royalty dispute...yea...You know how it is...being in the
'Business' and all..."
My daughter was a better liar than I... but that's not saying much.
"I see," Marie eye seed. She didn't really understand but she didn't want to appear ignorant. "Should we call the cops?"
"Nahhh, " Nahhed Dorothy, kicking back in a Louis the XVth chair (hopefully Lou wasn't expecting it back anytime soon), "Bill's small time... Don't let him scare you. Every so often he comes around and I just have Security scare him off. He's all talk..."
"I see," Marie pretended to see again, popping the cork off the bottle of Dom Perignon.
She handed the hissing flute to Dorothy. The champagne fizzed in the back of her throat as she shot the drink like it was an especially fiery vintage of Wild Turkey.
"Another?" Marie offered.
Dorothy nodded her head "Yes" wildly and passed the glass back to Marie.
"Are you married? Do you have anyone at home?" Marie took a seat directly across from Dorothy, "I mean...I don't want you to stay home alone, what if this 'Bill' comes back for you..."
"Oh, he won't , " Dorothy took this generous portion of champagne in one shot also, "But I don't want you mixed up in my... complicated life...but, it's so lonely...not getting 'mixed-up' with people..."
You'll find I'm already well 'Mixed up," Marie licked her lips, the thought of a dangerous one night stand only grew more appetizing with each glass of booze.
"I don't...I mean...I'm not...a..." Dorothy explained as Marie slinked closer.
And it was true...Dorothy wasn't...but that night she was.
That night as Marie lied sleeping, Dorothy slipped the slippery grip of silk sheets and quietly dressed herself. She took a deep dark bottle of Chateau Margaux from the cellar and swam silently into the small hours....
The next morning Marie woke up alone. She felt only a little remorse, which was always a turn on and sat at her laptop, the chattering keys stuttering the opening line, "Christine loved being lonely, her reflection disagreed...."
Tomorrow we join Dorothy again for another round of office billiards...
Punk rock dating chapter 55: The Corporate Death Sentence...
Hey, Poison:
After leaving Marie's highrise, Dorothy went back home and finished the bottle of wine alone, took a quick shower, got dressed and came directly to work...40 minutes late as usual.
Mr. Karlov immediately pointed out Dorothy's unsuccessful attempt to sneak into the daily meeting, "See everyone, This is the kind of SHIT I'm talking about..."
Dorothy's doe eyes widened in the headlights...
"I don't get it!" Karlov bellowed. "Tell me, how do you not show up for work AND get your job done? I think everyone here would be interested in how you execute this delicate balancing act?"
Dorothy was mute. Her eyes darted back and forth nervously.
"Oh yea.. YOU DON'T!!!!!"
An exploding mountain of papers and coffee mugs flew across the room as Mr. Karlov angrily swept the meeting table with his mighty arm...
"NO ONE DOES! USELESS! USELESS USELESS! EVERYONE IS USELESS!!!! GET OUTTA HERE!"
Mr. Karlov amended his outburst in a more conversational tone, "Oh, and I'd like to remind you next week we're gonna start culling the herd... If you don't do what we ask, your job will be relocated...instead of standing in front of the Mr. Coffee all day you're going to standing in the unemployment line."
"Will the company pay for moving expenses," asked Marty.
"Oh, I'll help you move," Mr. Karlov offered as he kicked Marty swiftly in the ass.
The crestfallen employees shambled onto the main office floor with the thoughtless "why-do-I-go-on" demeanor of crumbling zombies.
Employment, the coldest grave of them all.
The fluorescent lights repeatedly punched Dorothy in the eyes.
"Have too much fun last night?" inquired Marty.
"Yea...I guess I did."
"I know I can smell it..."
Dorothy looked at Marty, offended.
"Booze. Booze, I mean. Jesus, Dorothy..."
"Yea, I went out drinking with a...girlfriend. Didn't get back until pretty late."
"See?" Karlov interrupted, " This is what I mean! Everyone just standing around playing grab-ass when they should be working! I'm sure that's why Mr. E is calling you into his office, Dorothy!"
"Mr E? He... he wants to talk to me?"
"What am I talking to a wall?" Karlov yelled increduously. "Hello, wall! Have you seen Dorothy around? Mr. E would like to speak to her!"
Mr. E was head of Artemis, not just the publishing division, but the entire multinational conglomerate. He was only spoken of in frightened whispers. No one had ever seen him or talked to him. He was a big business bogeyman...The poor souls that were called in to meet with him were never seen again.
Dorothy, after much hesitation (She stopped at the drinking fountain at least a half dozen times, a brief pit stop in the ladies room to throw up) finally made her way to the dim office at the end of the distant hall...
"You wanted to see me, sir?" asked Dorothy, opening the groaning door...
Dorothy nearly fainted at the sight of the (now) three-headed beast that stood before her.
"It's been awhile Dorothy," snarled Escorpion, "But trust me, I have been watching you very closely in the 23 years since last we met..."
Join us in 24 hours as Dorothy and Escorpion catch up on old times and swap fondue recipes...oh, it's gonna be tasty....
Punk rock dating chapter 56: The One Sided Conversation...
The Finer Points of Gunpoint Negotiation:
Escorpion's antler's were especially pointy on this fine morning. "I take it you have already surmised my reason for calling you in here, Dorothy..."
"To discuss the new Clement Allsworth manuscript?" she guessed facetiously.
"Professor Patina's final project. I know you're familiar with it."
Dorothy cast her gaze at the "World's Greatest Grandpa" mug on Mr. E's desk.
"Patina died when I was very young...same as my Father and Mother...to this day I still don't know exactly what it was he did. Was he some kind of Ambassador?"
"I'd appreciate it if you did not lie right to my faces...you know he was an agent of LIBRA,"
"I...I" Dorothy stammered.
"Silence for now!" Barked Escorpion, suddenly sitting upright in his office chair (it really was a poor substitute for his usual throne). "I know your parents died when you were young... I still grieve when I think about what happened. I think Orion was perhaps the greatest agent in the Zodiac Family..."
"So why did you kill him?"
"Silence, I said!" Escorpion relaxed a little again. "I've even had my E.S.Pies scanning your mind for information... "
Dorothy became very tense.
"They have found nothing, " Escorpion admitted , "I do believe you are ignorant of Professor Patina's experiment. You are a small, unambitious girl...the opposite of your great parents...I did not believe that at first. That's why I've been following you since Orion's funeral...Keeping you close...
"I've never involved myself in my Father's business."
Escorpion thought about this for a moment while he played with the Newton's cradle on his desk (really...no executive office is complete without a Newton's Cradle clacking away the stress).
"This may seem hard to accept..." he sighed, "but I did not personally want Orion dead! We tried to reason with him! Let him know that project 54 was a poor idea that could only end in the destruction of Earth! He would not accept this...Like your Mother, I cannot stand by and let Orion destroy everything that is precious to me..."
Dorothy stood in silence...
"I know you don't trust me, I apologize that we attempted to hijack your mind...At the time SCORPIO was still relatively young...inexperienced...We believed the stakes were too high...We...we had to act...I am deeply sorry about the methods we used, young Dorothy."
Escorpion's mood seemed to lighten, "That is why I am here to offer you a promotion within the company. As we speak I am having Karlov forcibly removed from the building...effective immediately you are now president of Artemis publishing..."
"I..I appreciate..."
"There is more...True, you have not yet proven yourself but I do recognize your infinite potential... I am offering you a position of power in the House of SCORPIO... the three thousand members we have are the elite of the elite...People who decide each morning which way the world is going to turn... you would be a fool to turn this down..."
Dorothy made a vain attempt to fix her broken hair...
Join us tomorrow as Dorothy stands in even MORE silence...
Punk rock dating chapter 57: The Second Temptation of Dorothy....
Never Hurts to Read Both Sides of the Story:
Dorothy herself couldn't believe the words she was mouthing, it felt as if someone else were speaking with her tongue. Maybe the E.S.Pies had once again gained control of her mind...This felt different though...None of that weighty sensation in the orbitofrontal cortex that's normally associated with intrusive psychic procedures... This felt an awful lot like that pesky spaghetti-sauce stain on your soul...Betrayal.
Betrayal against everything her Father stood for. Betrayal against everything she was taught about right or wrong. It felt like she was playing dress-up in her Mother's closet...
She must admit she also felt the irresistible tug of curiosity... The same curiosity that drew her to Marie and her bed...
Dorothy had never been drawn to another woman before...she usually dated those pseudo-intellectual guys...y'know those foreign film types...and I don't mean Godzilla movies...
...God, this felt good...
"You are a wise girl," Escorpion smiled three smiles, "Just like your Mother...I have never met a more beautiful woman in my life than Bernadette. Her loss saddens me more than the demise of Orion..."
"I'm in charge here, right?" Dorothy asked.
"Indeed! Artemis Publishing is yours. You crack the whip...Your servants come grovelling..."
This was very appealing. Dorothy had been beaten down by authority all her life...She was the one to take the abuse when petty bosses and delusional managers felt like crushing a fragile human spirit...A malevolent smile spread rapidly across her lips as she imagined squashing those spineless slugs beneath her stiletto heel...
"No! Tell security to keep Karlov... I think he would make a good coffee boy..." smiled Dorothy .
"Yes, of course he would..I don't know why I didn't think of that," Escorpion grinned wickedly from ear-to-ear-to-ear-to-ear-to-ear-to-ear.
Dorothy thought to herself she would only treat her old enemies in this unpleasant manner. She would be different with her friends that worked there...Until one of them forgot to smile at her, talked trash behind her back, didn't invite her to a party, or some other perceived slight...
Escorpio pulled a file from the drawer of his desk...
"Your first mission, young Dorothy is to meet the head of the House of CAPRICORN. He is an unpleasant little egoist named Aigipan... We have sent our best ambassadors to negotiate peace but he alienates each one... I think you might be able to charm him, however..."
Dorothy eyed the file, it contained the time and location of the meeting.
"Where do I find him?"
"His band Aegocerus is playing at the Lofty Circle bar... He's expecting just another SCORPIO ambassador...I doubt he'll be expecting you..."
Dorothy's heart beat faster and faster... How exciting! This must be what it was like for her Father. Being part of a powerful secret society, receiving important missions in exotic places... Too bad she hardly knew her Father... He was always gone...
She left work that night, bug zapper nerves sparking... Long legs and pencil skirt cutting the choppy concrete waters of the wet, black sidewalks...
She looked at the card in her hand. The Lofty Circle was an unassuming dive right across the street from the Roundabout Theatre Company.
Dorothy's head hummed with perceived importance and fear...
...what if Escorpion knew?
What if he knew Dorothy did know all the secrets of Project: Binary Brain Tree...
...Better to keep her enemies close...No doubt this was also SCORPIO's plan...
Still, she wanted to live the life of a secret agent...what if Escorpion and her Mother were correct?
What if I was a terrorist? She had to see this through and find the truth.
There were two ways this could end...
1. She would find out that I really was a madman in addition to being an absent Father and she would join SCORPIO and usher in a new age of prosperity...
...or...
2. She would see SCORPIO for the evil organization that it really is and bring them down from within...
but neither option bothered her that much now, she was just going to close her eyes and enjoy the ride...
She had arrived at the Lofty Circle, an old neighborhood bar that had grown gracefully into what could only be described as a burgeoning pile of rubble and rat-shit.
Still the doorman turned away the unfashionable and slovenly.
"SCORPIO business," she announced to the Doorman.
The doorman wiped the sweat from his brow and nodded his head, "Y-yes..We have b-been expecting you Ma'am... Come right in, drinks are on us of course..."
Dorothy bit her lip as she watched couples choking each passionately to the music that pounded, an intoxicating blend of Ramones-style punk and Neopagan folk...
Moustachioed moon men in S&M gear sank mysterious syringes into sleeping children...
Patent leather Nazi bombshells whispered sexual fantasies of genocide into the wanting ears of teenage junk-gropers...
A girl licked her red lips as she strangled the life out of a glassy eyed starlet, she continued to recite lyrics in her death rattle... the dead girl is reborn as a Tibetan holy man millions of miles away...
Dorothy made her way to the bar, the bartender cut his wrists lovingly, "How may I serve you in the final moments of my life?"
"A White Russian, please?"
"Enjoy it..." the bartender urged Dorothy, "For it is the last drink I serve to this parched world..."
He handed the drink to Dorothy. Dorothy forgot to tip.
She sauntered into the crowd and stood next to a newlywed couple photographing a fresh crime scene on the dancefloor. She bobbed her head to the decadent music...
"What's the name of the band?" Marie asked the couple.
"They're called Aegocerus..."
Dorothy closed her eyes and welcomed the knives...
Join us tomorrow as Aegocerus succumb to the crowd's demand to play "Freebird"...
Punk rock dating chapter 58: Descend Spiral Visitor...
All-ages Show:
Aegocerus finished their set in hail and fire, mingled with blood and stepped off the stage to cash in their drink tickets....
"Hey, I really liked your music," she said, approaching their vocalist (an elfin, water-faced cross-dresser).
"Thank you...," the singer replied, helping himself to the bar (the bartender was a touch too dead to be serving drinks at this point...)
"I'm Dorothy," Dorothy I'm Dorothy-ed.
"Aigipan," Aigipan Aigipanned.
"I was sent here by the House of SCORPIO..."
Aigipan's eyes grew.
"Escorpion sent me here to negotiate a truce between our houses..."
"I know my reputation may indicate otherwise but I do not associate with murderers..."
"Then what do you call this?" Dorothy gestured toward the crowd, now engaged in an orgy of death. The newly wed couple beheading each other, a business man devoured a schoolgirl, the schoolgirl's severed head, still wide-awake gnawed on the ankles of her best friend.
"This?" laughed Aigipan, "This is a Deathbar... What did you expect?"
"D-deathbar?" Dorothy stuttered.
"Yes. This is all illusion. See that black booth?"
Aigipan pointed to a balcony with heavily tinted windows.
"Up there is the telepathic projector... See, none of us are actually here talking! As soon as we walked through the door, the doorman actually led us to that closet..."
Aigipan pointed toward a closet...
Dorothy could not bring herself to look at it...
"In that closet is where our physical bodies actually are! The telepathic projector burrows into your limbic system and projects your deepest darkest fantasies into this room...Usually these dark fantasies consist of murder or some type of shameful, violent sex... Sometimes both! That's why it's called a Deathbar...."
Dorothy was both disgusted and turned on.
"You mean...I'm imagining this?"
"We all are! All our thoughts are connected...We get to act out our violent urges here, and the beautiful thing is no one gets harmed! Once the projectionist turns off the machine we're all going to wake up in the same shape that we arrived... Healthy, whole, and purged..."
"My God...it's seems so real...Y-your band..."
"It's just a projection also... We're not really that good...but the songs in my head..."
"They're beautiful..." said Dorothy in hushed awe.
"Yes! Beautiful...And people get to hear them exactly as I envisioned them! That's why I come here, actually...but I find it very hard to believe you do not know of the psychic projector..."
"No...honestly..."
"And SCORPIO sent you?" Aigipan shook his head in disbelief. "I apologize, Dorothy, it's nothing personal...the psychic projector is an object of much desire...."
Dorothy looked around at the nubile bodies covered in gore...She looked back at Aigipan's porcelain face.
"Aigipan?"
"Yes, Dorothy?"
"May I kill you?"
"It would be my pleasure..."
Dorothy picked up her salad fork and plunged it deep into Aigipan's neck, she took a bite out of his head and ripped out his beating heart to have for dessert...
Then suddenly she was standing in an empty room with 300 other strangers...
"Closing time," the bartender announced, once again joining the realm of the living...
"What are you doing later tonight?" Aigipan smiled at Dorothy...
Join us tomorrow as Dorothy remodels the Houses of SCORPIO and CAPRICORN...
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Punk Rock Dating Chapters 59-63
Punk rock dating chapter 59: Sloping Landscapes...
Dorothy movin' on up to the Hampty Hamps:
Dorothy and Aigipan walked into the wet shock of night... Sidewalks painted a richer black by the sopping brush of rain, the blurred neon, the usual tropes...
Dorothy held her umbrella, sheltering her and Aigipan from the downpour. "I have a lot of problems with SCORPIO," she admitted.
"I do too! As lovely and charming as you are you're not going to convince me to negotiate with those terrorists..."
"Why are they terrorists?"
They sheltered themselves beneath an awning.
"You DON'T consider the H.O.T bomb project terrorism?"
"I guess...I don't know much about it."
"A bomb that projects psychic death in a radius that covers about two thirds of the world...Essentially resulting in the brain death of billions of people?!?!"
Dorothy laughed, "I don't think we'd do that... I mean wouldn't we die too?"
Aigipan smiled at Dorothy's naivete. "It won't destroy the entire world. Where do you think Escorpion's going to be? We at the House of Capricorn do value the Laws of Nature higher than the artificially imposed laws of man but...Jesus, we don't go to such extremes..."
The thrill of playing dress-up faded a little...
Aigipan became defiant, "We will never forfeit the technology of the psychic projector to SCORPIO! You can tell Escorpion to come and talk to me personally! I'll tell that to his face...all three of them!"
"I can assure you the goals of SCORPIO have changed! Escorpion himself has told me that their psychic persuasion techniques have been retired..."
"Bullshit," Aigipan laughed. "He needs the technology for the H.O.T project... Wow, you're new to this gig, eh, Dorothy?"
Dorothy hated to admit it, "Yes...this is my first mission."
"And they didn't teach you anything?"
"I.."
Aigipan became concerned.
"Dorothy...get out of this game...it's not for squeamish children...None of the houses are clean... Hell, none of the world's NATIONS are clean! You're a bright kid! Get out!"
Dorothy huffed, "Now listen here! I'm not a squeamish child! I was chosen for a reason! I know all about the H.O.T bomb project! I may look inexperienced but I'm not! I think you've underestimated me, Aigipan, or whatever your name is..."
Aigipan was amused. "Perhaps I have..."
Dorothy was bluffing of course...
"For your sake, Dorothy, I will meet with Escorpion...His game plan, sending you and his claims of change...They have intrigued me. I too am a curious child...about to be stung..."
Dorothy bravely swallowed the lump in her throat, "SCORPIO will be pleased to hear this...We anxiously await a new era of peace between the houses of SCORPIO and CAPRICORN..."
Aigipan politely shook her hand and danced away into the night...
....................................................................................................................
Dorothy walked into her empty apartment, a mob of cats came to greet her, they criss-crossed around her feet, awaiting the hand that feeds Tender Vittles...
"Was your mission successful?"
Dorothy wasn't expecting any guests, especially this one :
"Escorpion! What are you doing here?"
"A SCORPIO agent is always on a mission,"
Escorpion had helped himself to a Martini. One mouth took an elegant sip, the other mouth plucked the olive from the skewer, the third mouth hummed an old Dean Martin tune.
"Yes," Dorothy was still shaken but determined to keep it together. "Aigipan has agreed to meet you... He will arrive at the Artemis World Headquarters at Midnight Tomorrow. He said he would have arranged for an earlier time but he has a concert to preform..."
"Very good...He has turned away every other attempt at a treaty. I'm sure this time he will come around to our way of thinking..."
"And what is our way of thinking?" Dorothy asked sincerely.
"When all has gone wrong, start over." Escorpion tossed Dorothy a dossier. "This is your next mission...you may be familiar with the target..."
Dorothy officially realized she was in over her head.
"The Commissioner..."
"Yes, your Father's old friend... Don't worry he's not to be harmed...You are just going to extract some information..."
"What kind of information?"
"Information on Professor Patina's final project, Project Binary Brain Tree. If we can find out what Patina has done with himself...If his mind and soul are still intact somewhere ...My God! The knowledge we could gain! The H.O.T bomb would be ready well before the turn of the next century..."
Dorothy stretched out on her leather couch, " I've been hearing talk of this H.O.T bomb scheme.."
"Oh yes?" all three of Escorpion's heads snapped to attention. "Who else spoke of it?"
"Aigipan..."
"Hmmm. Aigipan knows? It's actually a secret project. Word must have leaked. We must take better measures to keep our many projects secure..."
"You're avoiding the question."
"Oh...Nothing to worry about...there will be very little destruction. The world will still look exactly like you remember it but the big difference will be that all the greed and evil will have vanished... An everlasting world peace...The Sacred Grove..."
"I hear it's more of a sacred grave..." Dorothy lazily picked up the remote control and switched on some cheap late night movie...
"Is this what Aigipan has told you? It's true... There will be some lives lost...But that is the way of this sometimes cruel world...Have you not been treated cruelly your entire life for the pleasure and profit of those in power? Would you truly have any moral qualms about eliminating those people responsible for the degradation of you and this planet?"
Dorothy thought hard about it, the flickering monster movie danced across her face. "No."
"Then we are on the exact same page."
There were two things bothering Dorothy:
Number 1. The Commissioner was a close family friend. The Father she never had. There was no way she could harm him....
Number 2. The dubbing in the monster movie was totally off... She preferred subtitles...
She had to say something...
"The Commissioner is a good man..."
"The best...I agree...That's why he is to come to absolutely NO harm on this mission... Our differences are strictly ideological. He would be skeptical if I approached him, but he trusts you...It would be very effective if you were to come to him as an old friend... "
"So, I'm going to betray his trust?"
"No! Listen, the Commissioner is old guard...Even your Father had some disagreements with him! He was responsible for ejecting your Father from LIBRA..."
"Is that true?"
"Yes... Your father was forced to resign from LIBRA in the early eighties...The Houses had found ourselves in a new world and the Commissioner couldn't cope with the rules...Orion rose against him and was cut down...The information that the Commissioner is hiding is too important not to be shared! Read your file tonight and tomorrow morning you're to get on a bus to Kentucky and pay a surprise visit to the old Commissioner. Get the information by any means necessary..."
"..Except murder..."
"Oh, of course..." Escorpion clarified.
"Of course."
Escorpion threw his coat over his shoulder, drank the last of his martini and made his way to the door.
"Dorothy, this place is not fit for a SCORPIO agent...You are to move into one of the Artemis mansions in the Hamptons... It will be ready by the time you return from your mission..."
As the door slammed, Dorothy pulled a blanket over herself and fell asleep with no problems...
...no problems at all...
Tomorrow we catch up with that old Northern Gentlemen, the Commissioner, he's a little bit older and a lot less Northern than he used to be...
Punk rock dating chapter 60: The Battalion of Banjos...
Old Friends:
The Commissioner answered the door, "Can I help you?"
"Yes," replied Dorothy. "I know I haven't seen you in a long time but I have to speak to you..."
"D-dorothy?" The Commissioner hardly recognized her, he hadn't seen her since the funeral, and was shocked at how much she resembled Bernadette (truth be told she didn't resemble me much, except for the slight greenish tint of her hair...).
Dorothy was likewise surprised at the Commissioner, he was a little bit older and a lot less Northern than he used to be. His hair a shock of white cotton. His favorite uniform no longer his rumpled old raincoat, but a white southern Colonel's uniform... the smoldering stub of his cigar was familiar however.
"Yes...I think I might be in over my head..," Dorothy bit her lip, frightened...
"Come in, girl...come in..."
Dorothy walked into the grand living room of the Commissioner's large historic plantation, the rich refractions of the glass chandelier, fragrant knotty pine furniture, indoor whiskey still...
"What a beautiful home..."
"Yes...It's funny, I lived in New York so damn long I had no idea such a sweet life existed...I always felt like I should be somewhere else...LIBRA gave me a tidy sum for my retirement so I left the hotplate in my apartment and started a new life here in Kentucky...."
"Commissioner...it's so good to see you again..." she threw her arms around him, sunk her head into his barrel chest and started sobbing...
"Now, now...what is there to be so upset about?" he patted her back reassuringly.
"I...I...SCORPIO...I...I accepted their offer to be an agent..."
"Oh, dear..." the Commissioner shuddered.
"I can't do it...The things they want me to do! You've got to help me get out..."
He held her tighter and whispered into her ear gently, "Did they send you here, honey?"
Dorothy nodded her head.
"I see. I think I know what this is about..."
The Commissioner let her go and walked into his den, Dorothy followed closely behind....
"I believe this is probably what they're looking for..."
He unwrapped a small device, about the size of a one inch penis....
Her eyes grew wide. "What is that?"
"I'm not too hot with all this technology bullshit the kids are into these damn days," said the Commissioner, reverting back to the gruff demeanor that he unsuccessfully tried to hide behind a superficial wall of manners, "The 10 picabyte MP3 Player... I think they call it..."
"What?"
"This is where that fruity Professor downloaded himself...Right before his death... He's still in here. Go ahead, talk to him..."
Dorothy put in the earbuds...
"Hello, Dorothy...It's good just to hear your voice again..."
Dorothy gasped, "I heard my Father talk about this...but I never imagined..."
"Yes...It can be quite a quite startling...Talking to someone that you know to be dead," said the Professors electronic voice. "But I'm not dead, Dorothy. My mind and soul live on... In this MP3 player."
Dorothy felt a weird mix of elation and disgust... The promise of immortality was exhilarating indeed, but the cheapness of a man forever trapped in a some electronic trinket was slightly demeaning....
"There is something else you must know, Dorothy..."
Dorothy was afraid to ask...."Wh-what?"
"Your Father...I'm fairly certain he used this technology also..."
Dorothy dropped the Mp3 player... Luckily late 21st century technology was a little better than what we have now...
...the player only suffered a slight crack in the casing...I'm certain it would be covered under the warranty...
Oh yea, and the fall also caused a skip in the track containing Patina's Graduation day...
"Why would you hand this over to me?" cried Dorothy, appalled at their carelessness. "I told you I'm an agent of SCORPIO..."
"You're the daughter of Orion..." assured the Commissioner, "The greatest man who ever lived...We know you will ultimately make the right decision..."
Dorothy wasn't so sure...
"Even so...the E.S.Pies are everywhere...I'm sure they're following me!"
"Do not be zo sure, jeune dame..."
Dorothy was relieved to see an old familiar figure descend the staircase clutching a baguette and wearing a "Jerry Lewis Fan Club" button....
"Dr. Coorgan!" she exclaimed!
"Oui...Why do you think the E.S.Pies have not been able to read your mind, hmmm?"
She gave him a hug, "You've been following me?"
"Oui."
"Then you know I'm not to be trusted..."
"I think you are what us French call...confus!"
"No...I..." Dorothy, embarrassed, grabbed the MP3 player and bolted out the front door...
Dr. Coorgan shot the Commissioner a worried look:
"We should give chase, No?"
"No, Doc..." The Commissioner lit up a new cigar, "It's outta our hands now... Dorothy's gotta play her part..."
"I do not think theez was in ze script..."
Join us tomorrow for the man in the moon and spoon and spoon and spoon....
Punk rock dating chapter 61: She's My Sweetheart...
Intuitive Psychology:
Actually, Docteur Coorgan was wrong. All this actually was in the script...
Chronos throws the dice but he already knows the outcome, whispered sweetly into the ears that care to hear... My telepathy was relatively weak...I could hear a slight murmur when the snow-globe I found myself in finally settled... The silence that cuts that everyday buzz...My eardrums, ready to pop with the clangor of nothing at all...Some are weak, some adept... Dorothy, with a little more confidence, could probably hear the whisper. Marie Lansing on the other hand spoke the mind fluently, she read the cues that careless others cast off like blazing beacons...
with bacon...
She looked at whoever she wanted and got mostly whatever she wanted. It's only easy to be blindsided when you are so nearsighted.
Docteur Coorgan, cleared the decks and heard the symphony of silence. Sculpted it into a sailboat and simply sailed away...
The lush tropics of the mind, twisted jungles of jumbled memories...What monsters lie in there!
.......................................................................................................................
The Scrawled Commandment:
Dorothy had been on the Greyhound bus back to New York for a good three hours when the hooded man sat next to her....
"Dorothy...the mission was a success I take it..."
"I'm afraid it wasn't," Dorothy yawned, "The Commissioner is old now...He's not the man I once knew... He was confused...He didn't seem to know anything about Professor Patina's project..."
The hooded figure was disturbed. "I find this perplexing...Our intelligence seemed to indicate otherwise..."
"Well," said Dorothy, closing her eyes to sleep. "Time to get some new intelligence..."
"Suppose you are to blame, Dorothy..."
She opened one eye.
"What do you mean?"
The hooded man leaned in closer, "Suppose you made yourself obvious....Or even worse.... You have betrayed us...."
The knot in Dorothy's throat became a closed fist...
"Escorpion... I know you don't trust me yet....You have no real reason to... But let's say the Professor's experiment was successful! Let's say that his mind is still alive somehow and we are able to retrieve it! What then? The Commissioner said Patina is loyal to LIBRA... He wouldn't help you develop a weapon...."
The jagged laughter of three mouths shook the bus, "O Dorothy...we have ways of making the soul talk! Let's say the Professor has downloaded his soul into a computer... His perverted science has cheapened him...Made him a computer program essentially... Well, SCORPIO programmers have devised a virus... Specifically created to corrupt the various files that constitute consciousness..."
Dorothy ran her fingers through her green hair... "But all this is pointless... We don't have Patina's soul... From the sounds of it he never finished the project or if he did we don't know where he hid the information..."
“Yes..." Escorpion put his hands behind his heads and relaxed a bit, "I will have another agent revisit the Commissioner...See if he is able to get a little more information... maybe some slow psychic torture will be more effective...Meanwhile I need you to go on another mission for me... To prove your mettle..."
"Anything..."
"First I command you to spend a few days in your new home...Soak in the good life for a bit...Partake of the material pleasures I have bestowed upon you... Drink the finest wines.. Eat the richest foods... Make love day and night to the other beautiful people... And I want you to take note of how meaningless it all becomes... See what dark places your mind will take you when all your appetites are met and you must move into ever more extreme realms to derive pleasure..."
Dorothy stared out the window...
The blurred landscape a smeared canvas...
"And Dorothy..."
"Yessir?"
"I want you to take good notes..."
Join us tomorrow (I promise) as miraculously I get a chapter completed...
Punk rock dating chapter 62: Do the Pivot...
Dorothy loses her shit:
Scene: Some lame coke party at the Montauk Yacht Club in the Hamptons.
Dorothy was at a banquet table piling in Amuse-bouches when she saw a rugged, good looking guy bragging to another guest about his Feretti 620.
Dorothy made her way over to this handsome asshole to introduce herself...
"Hello...I'm Dorothy..."
"Well, well ,well...My name is Thomas Brookshore. And to what do I owe the great pleasure of meeting such a stunning young creature?"
"I just saw you from across the room and I couldn't help hearing about your boat. I'm a sailing enthusiast too and just wanted to know...Are you into competitive yachting or is it just a recreational thing or...?"
She could actually care less about sailing.
All she wanted was a deep dicking.
"Oh, I just boat for pleasure...My business keeps me quite busy and the only activity that really helps me unwind is an afternoon on the Atlantic on my boat. The rhythm of the waves...the sound of the surf against the bow...the smell of salt in the air...I mean...that is living!"
"What company do you work for?" Dorothy asked, sipping her Courvoisier.
"Well...I work for myself...I actually own my own stock brokerage firm," he explained. "Even with the significant decline in the market we still were able to pull in our highest third quarter profits in five years..."
Dorothy's soul yawned. She decided it was time to cut the shit.
"Are you involved with anyone?" She asked.
Thomas thought it about it for a second. "No...I know it sounds corny but I just haven't been able to find Mrs. Right...You know...Someone I can share my life with...Someone I can take out on a moonlight cruise on the bay...Sipping Mojitos..."
"Well," said Dorothy finishing off her brandy, "I might not be big on Mojitos but my blowjobs are impeccable..."
Thomas' wang gave a standing ovation.
"So, do I have the job?" Dorothy asked coyly.
.........................................................................................
Over the next couple months Thomas and Dorothy would get together every Wednesday afternoon and fuck. It was mostly just a meaningless thing for Dorothy.
But not meaningless to Thomas. You see, there was something Dorothy didn't know. Thomas wasn't some entrepreneurial stockbroker. He was more of a...
...How do you say it?
Ah yes...
...He was more of a dishwasher at Carmine's Artificial Italian Restaurant.
On weekends he would rent a tux and pretend to be some hotshot self-made millionaire at ridiculously pretentious yacht parties, where he would prey on gullible rich women.
Thomas only wanted money.
Dorothy had some suspicions that Tom wasn't quite who he claimed to be. For one, she had never seen him pick up the bill at a restaurant. There were also a few instances where he would ask her to invest money in some vague new business he was starting. This wasn't anything new to Dorothy.
She noticed that since she acquired her wealth everybody wanted something from her. But none of this really bothered her. After all, it wasn't her money. SCORPIO was footing the bill. So long as she got something out of it Dorothy didn't mind....
..................................................................................
It was a typical Wednesday.
Dorothy had just invited Thomas into her plush pink bedroom for an afternoon of indoor activities.
Dorothy was unbuttoning Thomas's fly when she noticed something different.
"Thomas...that ring..." she shuddered.
Thomas' jaw (and penis) dropped. He was caught. He had simply forgotten to take off his wedding ring.
His mind raced for an answer.
"Ahhh...yea...It's a prop...We're doing a Clement Allsworth play down at the yacht club and I got the lead role...and..."
Dorothy raised an eyebrow.
"Screw it. You're right," he sighed. "I'm full of shit...Listen, Dorothy, I'd lie to you if I thought you'd believe it, but...There's something I've got to tell you..."
"You're married?!"
"Yes...for the last five years."
Thomas sat on the bed next to Dorothy, zipping his fly back up.
"What's her name?" Dorothy asked.
"Jeanette. We were high school sweethearts. Five years ago I decided to make an honest woman out of her..." Thomas chuckled.
Dorothy wasn't laughing. She lit up a cigarette. "Any kids?"
"No... Not yet...She wants kids but I'm not sure if I'm ready...I'm not in any financial position to take care of anyone else..."
Dorothy took a deep drag from her Marlboro.
"So you you don't work on Wall Street either, I take it. "
Thomas felt ashamed for the first time in his life. "Uhhh....no... Charlotte street. "
"Why'd you do it, Tom? If that's even your real name..."
"No. My name really is Tom....I guess I did it because I needed the money....It's hard taking care of a family on minimum wage...but that doesn't mean our time together wasn't special...You're a gorgeous girl, Dorothy...I mean, your green hair...it drives me wild..."
Dorothy felt a small fraction of guilt that she had been having sex with a married man but more than anything she just felt horny. She had already done the deed several times so what difference did it make now?
She stubbed out her cigarette and chopped a small line on her compact mirror. The fraction of guilt disappeared.
"Tom?" she sniffed.
"Yes, Dorothy?"
"I want you to fuck me and call me 'Jeanette.'"
Tom was happy to oblige...
Join us tomorrow so you can read another chapter that ends with "Join us tomorrow" and get lost in the cyclical infinitude of it all...
Punk rock dating chapter 63: The Nature of Control...
Dorothy's notes got a little blurry:
New Years Eve 2007 :
11: 30 P.M:
6 Months after the Kentucky Mission:
From the safe distance of the midnight balcony, Dorothy and the marble statue stared at the flashing city in cold detachment ...
It had been a long year...
A tide of 1996 Chauteau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion, blood red on her lips... The loose change slipping through her fingers were the days... Every morning she'd awake to the static shards behind her eyes, a bedful of eccentric husbands and exotic wives...She shooed them away at roughly 3 in the afternoon... They fluttered out the window on a gust of old money...
..But that year was over, and 2008 weighed heavy on this night.
Dorothy was high, but unsociable... She sipped her drink and sighed, basking in the comfortable weight of magnificent loneliness...
She felt herself cringe when she heard Marty's voice from behind, "Wow...I haven't seen you much lately... But it looks like you've done just fine for yourself."
Dorothy pretended to smile, "Yes, Marty... What do you need?"
"Need?" he laughed, "I don't need anything! I'm doing just great! Me and Leslie just got engaged..."
He held up his hand, revealing a cheap ring.
Dorothy's smile turned real, her heart hurt as she didn't know whether to honestly congratulate him on the good news or laugh at the quaint ring.
"That's good to hear..." she took another sip from her drink.
"It's weird telling you this...I don't know how to say this but..."
Dorothy didn't know what was coming next...this excited her.
"...I always thought you and me would kind of end up together one day... but I couldn't tell you...I didn't know how..." he continued, "I shouldn't say anything ...I don't know why I did...The drinks, maybe..."
Dorothy looked across the room at Leslie... A beautiful girl, squirming in her insecurities...
Then Dorothy looked back at Marty...Didn't want him at all...Only wanted to feel something, "I always liked you too..."
Leslie caught a glimpse of them out of the corner of her eye, a flash of worry in her face...
"I...gotta get back to Leslie...Listen, I'll see you at the Literary Choice awards...Maybe we'll talk more then..."
Marty shook as he walked away.
Dorothy was somewhat surprised he didn't hit her up for money...
"Dorothy," cried an electronic voice from her purse.
"What do you want to nag me about now?" she seethed through clenched teeth.
"I think we're losing you..." the MP3 player pointed out.
She rolled her eyes, "For Chrissakes, Patina... I can't take all this anymore! The phony friends! The begging! Boring! Boring! Boring! I have to keep myself medicated just so I don't go insane!"
She took another pull from her glass. Another line from her purse....
"You're that unhappy?" Patina asked.
"Yes!"
"Then leave it all behind."
"I can't," she sniffed. "I'm not going back to what I had before."
"What did you have before?"
The pain of the memory made Dorothy smile, "Nothing. I had absolutely nothing. No friends, no family... Everyone went out of their way to humiliate me... I was dead, Professor! Dead inside! I'm still dead. At least every now and then I get to feel a little something..."
"What do you feel now?"
"Afraid. Ashamed. Afraid of what I'm doing to others. Ashamed of the things I do. But at least I'm doing these things..." she defended, "It used to be everything just happened to me... I wasn't ever involved...I was a puppet.... I was a dog on a leash... Dragged through the streets.... I don't want to ever not be in control again..."
"You think you have any control, Dorothy? Oh, others are still controlling you... I see you cowering from Escorpion... He controls you! The money...You can't go back to that old apartment, right? The drugs... I don't think you'd make it through the day without your fancy wines and expensive pills!"
"Yes, but I've found my bosses are getting fewer and fewer...."
"What are you going to do when this mission of soul degradation is over? When you're just another one of SCORPIO's cronies? When you find yourself back under their boot heel? What will you do then to keep this 'freedom?' Would you betray everyone you love? Would you kill to maintain your power?"
Dorothy was about to answer when from within the mansion arose a tone deaf rendition of "Auld Lang Syne."
The clock had struck midnight...fireworks tore a gaping hole in the sky. The New Year poured in like a tidal wave...
Dorothy looked into the room from the balcony. Marty walked over and kissed Leslie, the couple stared lovingly into each others eyes. It looked so genuine. It felt so fake.
She stood alone, crying...
"Happy New Year, Dorothy!" emanated from Patina's tinny speakers.
She wiped the tears from her mascara eyes...
"Do you feel any better," he asked.
"Kinda."
"Dorothy... Since we're finally alone...There's something I've been meaning to ask you... Do you remember that dance.... the one where..."
The knife twisted in Dorothy's stomach... She needed more drugs....
"I'm sorry if this is painful..."
"No, go on," She insisted.
"I had Coorgan read me the notes Orion kept. Coded brilliantly I might add... I think he could've actually authored "Punk Rock Dating" himself! The dear boy never gave himself enough credit..."
"But you digress..."
"Yes, yes, but I digress... I think Orion had a plan to give someone he trusted the MP3's of his soul...I've done some independent investigation and I think I've narrowed it down... I think I know who has Orion's soul..."
"Who?" Dorothy momentarily forgot about issues of control, of drinks, of crutches...
"You do..."
Join us tomorrow for...could it be? Could it be the return of Orion? Nawww... but we do have
very special guest, Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo...
Dorothy movin' on up to the Hampty Hamps:
Dorothy and Aigipan walked into the wet shock of night... Sidewalks painted a richer black by the sopping brush of rain, the blurred neon, the usual tropes...
Dorothy held her umbrella, sheltering her and Aigipan from the downpour. "I have a lot of problems with SCORPIO," she admitted.
"I do too! As lovely and charming as you are you're not going to convince me to negotiate with those terrorists..."
"Why are they terrorists?"
They sheltered themselves beneath an awning.
"You DON'T consider the H.O.T bomb project terrorism?"
"I guess...I don't know much about it."
"A bomb that projects psychic death in a radius that covers about two thirds of the world...Essentially resulting in the brain death of billions of people?!?!"
Dorothy laughed, "I don't think we'd do that... I mean wouldn't we die too?"
Aigipan smiled at Dorothy's naivete. "It won't destroy the entire world. Where do you think Escorpion's going to be? We at the House of Capricorn do value the Laws of Nature higher than the artificially imposed laws of man but...Jesus, we don't go to such extremes..."
The thrill of playing dress-up faded a little...
Aigipan became defiant, "We will never forfeit the technology of the psychic projector to SCORPIO! You can tell Escorpion to come and talk to me personally! I'll tell that to his face...all three of them!"
"I can assure you the goals of SCORPIO have changed! Escorpion himself has told me that their psychic persuasion techniques have been retired..."
"Bullshit," Aigipan laughed. "He needs the technology for the H.O.T project... Wow, you're new to this gig, eh, Dorothy?"
Dorothy hated to admit it, "Yes...this is my first mission."
"And they didn't teach you anything?"
"I.."
Aigipan became concerned.
"Dorothy...get out of this game...it's not for squeamish children...None of the houses are clean... Hell, none of the world's NATIONS are clean! You're a bright kid! Get out!"
Dorothy huffed, "Now listen here! I'm not a squeamish child! I was chosen for a reason! I know all about the H.O.T bomb project! I may look inexperienced but I'm not! I think you've underestimated me, Aigipan, or whatever your name is..."
Aigipan was amused. "Perhaps I have..."
Dorothy was bluffing of course...
"For your sake, Dorothy, I will meet with Escorpion...His game plan, sending you and his claims of change...They have intrigued me. I too am a curious child...about to be stung..."
Dorothy bravely swallowed the lump in her throat, "SCORPIO will be pleased to hear this...We anxiously await a new era of peace between the houses of SCORPIO and CAPRICORN..."
Aigipan politely shook her hand and danced away into the night...
....................................................................................................................
Dorothy walked into her empty apartment, a mob of cats came to greet her, they criss-crossed around her feet, awaiting the hand that feeds Tender Vittles...
"Was your mission successful?"
Dorothy wasn't expecting any guests, especially this one :
"Escorpion! What are you doing here?"
"A SCORPIO agent is always on a mission,"
Escorpion had helped himself to a Martini. One mouth took an elegant sip, the other mouth plucked the olive from the skewer, the third mouth hummed an old Dean Martin tune.
"Yes," Dorothy was still shaken but determined to keep it together. "Aigipan has agreed to meet you... He will arrive at the Artemis World Headquarters at Midnight Tomorrow. He said he would have arranged for an earlier time but he has a concert to preform..."
"Very good...He has turned away every other attempt at a treaty. I'm sure this time he will come around to our way of thinking..."
"And what is our way of thinking?" Dorothy asked sincerely.
"When all has gone wrong, start over." Escorpion tossed Dorothy a dossier. "This is your next mission...you may be familiar with the target..."
Dorothy officially realized she was in over her head.
"The Commissioner..."
"Yes, your Father's old friend... Don't worry he's not to be harmed...You are just going to extract some information..."
"What kind of information?"
"Information on Professor Patina's final project, Project Binary Brain Tree. If we can find out what Patina has done with himself...If his mind and soul are still intact somewhere ...My God! The knowledge we could gain! The H.O.T bomb would be ready well before the turn of the next century..."
Dorothy stretched out on her leather couch, " I've been hearing talk of this H.O.T bomb scheme.."
"Oh yes?" all three of Escorpion's heads snapped to attention. "Who else spoke of it?"
"Aigipan..."
"Hmmm. Aigipan knows? It's actually a secret project. Word must have leaked. We must take better measures to keep our many projects secure..."
"You're avoiding the question."
"Oh...Nothing to worry about...there will be very little destruction. The world will still look exactly like you remember it but the big difference will be that all the greed and evil will have vanished... An everlasting world peace...The Sacred Grove..."
"I hear it's more of a sacred grave..." Dorothy lazily picked up the remote control and switched on some cheap late night movie...
"Is this what Aigipan has told you? It's true... There will be some lives lost...But that is the way of this sometimes cruel world...Have you not been treated cruelly your entire life for the pleasure and profit of those in power? Would you truly have any moral qualms about eliminating those people responsible for the degradation of you and this planet?"
Dorothy thought hard about it, the flickering monster movie danced across her face. "No."
"Then we are on the exact same page."
There were two things bothering Dorothy:
Number 1. The Commissioner was a close family friend. The Father she never had. There was no way she could harm him....
Number 2. The dubbing in the monster movie was totally off... She preferred subtitles...
She had to say something...
"The Commissioner is a good man..."
"The best...I agree...That's why he is to come to absolutely NO harm on this mission... Our differences are strictly ideological. He would be skeptical if I approached him, but he trusts you...It would be very effective if you were to come to him as an old friend... "
"So, I'm going to betray his trust?"
"No! Listen, the Commissioner is old guard...Even your Father had some disagreements with him! He was responsible for ejecting your Father from LIBRA..."
"Is that true?"
"Yes... Your father was forced to resign from LIBRA in the early eighties...The Houses had found ourselves in a new world and the Commissioner couldn't cope with the rules...Orion rose against him and was cut down...The information that the Commissioner is hiding is too important not to be shared! Read your file tonight and tomorrow morning you're to get on a bus to Kentucky and pay a surprise visit to the old Commissioner. Get the information by any means necessary..."
"..Except murder..."
"Oh, of course..." Escorpion clarified.
"Of course."
Escorpion threw his coat over his shoulder, drank the last of his martini and made his way to the door.
"Dorothy, this place is not fit for a SCORPIO agent...You are to move into one of the Artemis mansions in the Hamptons... It will be ready by the time you return from your mission..."
As the door slammed, Dorothy pulled a blanket over herself and fell asleep with no problems...
...no problems at all...
Tomorrow we catch up with that old Northern Gentlemen, the Commissioner, he's a little bit older and a lot less Northern than he used to be...
Punk rock dating chapter 60: The Battalion of Banjos...
Old Friends:
The Commissioner answered the door, "Can I help you?"
"Yes," replied Dorothy. "I know I haven't seen you in a long time but I have to speak to you..."
"D-dorothy?" The Commissioner hardly recognized her, he hadn't seen her since the funeral, and was shocked at how much she resembled Bernadette (truth be told she didn't resemble me much, except for the slight greenish tint of her hair...).
Dorothy was likewise surprised at the Commissioner, he was a little bit older and a lot less Northern than he used to be. His hair a shock of white cotton. His favorite uniform no longer his rumpled old raincoat, but a white southern Colonel's uniform... the smoldering stub of his cigar was familiar however.
"Yes...I think I might be in over my head..," Dorothy bit her lip, frightened...
"Come in, girl...come in..."
Dorothy walked into the grand living room of the Commissioner's large historic plantation, the rich refractions of the glass chandelier, fragrant knotty pine furniture, indoor whiskey still...
"What a beautiful home..."
"Yes...It's funny, I lived in New York so damn long I had no idea such a sweet life existed...I always felt like I should be somewhere else...LIBRA gave me a tidy sum for my retirement so I left the hotplate in my apartment and started a new life here in Kentucky...."
"Commissioner...it's so good to see you again..." she threw her arms around him, sunk her head into his barrel chest and started sobbing...
"Now, now...what is there to be so upset about?" he patted her back reassuringly.
"I...I...SCORPIO...I...I accepted their offer to be an agent..."
"Oh, dear..." the Commissioner shuddered.
"I can't do it...The things they want me to do! You've got to help me get out..."
He held her tighter and whispered into her ear gently, "Did they send you here, honey?"
Dorothy nodded her head.
"I see. I think I know what this is about..."
The Commissioner let her go and walked into his den, Dorothy followed closely behind....
"I believe this is probably what they're looking for..."
He unwrapped a small device, about the size of a one inch penis....
Her eyes grew wide. "What is that?"
"I'm not too hot with all this technology bullshit the kids are into these damn days," said the Commissioner, reverting back to the gruff demeanor that he unsuccessfully tried to hide behind a superficial wall of manners, "The 10 picabyte MP3 Player... I think they call it..."
"What?"
"This is where that fruity Professor downloaded himself...Right before his death... He's still in here. Go ahead, talk to him..."
Dorothy put in the earbuds...
"Hello, Dorothy...It's good just to hear your voice again..."
Dorothy gasped, "I heard my Father talk about this...but I never imagined..."
"Yes...It can be quite a quite startling...Talking to someone that you know to be dead," said the Professors electronic voice. "But I'm not dead, Dorothy. My mind and soul live on... In this MP3 player."
Dorothy felt a weird mix of elation and disgust... The promise of immortality was exhilarating indeed, but the cheapness of a man forever trapped in a some electronic trinket was slightly demeaning....
"There is something else you must know, Dorothy..."
Dorothy was afraid to ask...."Wh-what?"
"Your Father...I'm fairly certain he used this technology also..."
Dorothy dropped the Mp3 player... Luckily late 21st century technology was a little better than what we have now...
...the player only suffered a slight crack in the casing...I'm certain it would be covered under the warranty...
Oh yea, and the fall also caused a skip in the track containing Patina's Graduation day...
"Why would you hand this over to me?" cried Dorothy, appalled at their carelessness. "I told you I'm an agent of SCORPIO..."
"You're the daughter of Orion..." assured the Commissioner, "The greatest man who ever lived...We know you will ultimately make the right decision..."
Dorothy wasn't so sure...
"Even so...the E.S.Pies are everywhere...I'm sure they're following me!"
"Do not be zo sure, jeune dame..."
Dorothy was relieved to see an old familiar figure descend the staircase clutching a baguette and wearing a "Jerry Lewis Fan Club" button....
"Dr. Coorgan!" she exclaimed!
"Oui...Why do you think the E.S.Pies have not been able to read your mind, hmmm?"
She gave him a hug, "You've been following me?"
"Oui."
"Then you know I'm not to be trusted..."
"I think you are what us French call...confus!"
"No...I..." Dorothy, embarrassed, grabbed the MP3 player and bolted out the front door...
Dr. Coorgan shot the Commissioner a worried look:
"We should give chase, No?"
"No, Doc..." The Commissioner lit up a new cigar, "It's outta our hands now... Dorothy's gotta play her part..."
"I do not think theez was in ze script..."
Join us tomorrow for the man in the moon and spoon and spoon and spoon....
Punk rock dating chapter 61: She's My Sweetheart...
Intuitive Psychology:
Actually, Docteur Coorgan was wrong. All this actually was in the script...
Chronos throws the dice but he already knows the outcome, whispered sweetly into the ears that care to hear... My telepathy was relatively weak...I could hear a slight murmur when the snow-globe I found myself in finally settled... The silence that cuts that everyday buzz...My eardrums, ready to pop with the clangor of nothing at all...Some are weak, some adept... Dorothy, with a little more confidence, could probably hear the whisper. Marie Lansing on the other hand spoke the mind fluently, she read the cues that careless others cast off like blazing beacons...
with bacon...
She looked at whoever she wanted and got mostly whatever she wanted. It's only easy to be blindsided when you are so nearsighted.
Docteur Coorgan, cleared the decks and heard the symphony of silence. Sculpted it into a sailboat and simply sailed away...
The lush tropics of the mind, twisted jungles of jumbled memories...What monsters lie in there!
.......................................................................................................................
The Scrawled Commandment:
Dorothy had been on the Greyhound bus back to New York for a good three hours when the hooded man sat next to her....
"Dorothy...the mission was a success I take it..."
"I'm afraid it wasn't," Dorothy yawned, "The Commissioner is old now...He's not the man I once knew... He was confused...He didn't seem to know anything about Professor Patina's project..."
The hooded figure was disturbed. "I find this perplexing...Our intelligence seemed to indicate otherwise..."
"Well," said Dorothy, closing her eyes to sleep. "Time to get some new intelligence..."
"Suppose you are to blame, Dorothy..."
She opened one eye.
"What do you mean?"
The hooded man leaned in closer, "Suppose you made yourself obvious....Or even worse.... You have betrayed us...."
The knot in Dorothy's throat became a closed fist...
"Escorpion... I know you don't trust me yet....You have no real reason to... But let's say the Professor's experiment was successful! Let's say that his mind is still alive somehow and we are able to retrieve it! What then? The Commissioner said Patina is loyal to LIBRA... He wouldn't help you develop a weapon...."
The jagged laughter of three mouths shook the bus, "O Dorothy...we have ways of making the soul talk! Let's say the Professor has downloaded his soul into a computer... His perverted science has cheapened him...Made him a computer program essentially... Well, SCORPIO programmers have devised a virus... Specifically created to corrupt the various files that constitute consciousness..."
Dorothy ran her fingers through her green hair... "But all this is pointless... We don't have Patina's soul... From the sounds of it he never finished the project or if he did we don't know where he hid the information..."
“Yes..." Escorpion put his hands behind his heads and relaxed a bit, "I will have another agent revisit the Commissioner...See if he is able to get a little more information... maybe some slow psychic torture will be more effective...Meanwhile I need you to go on another mission for me... To prove your mettle..."
"Anything..."
"First I command you to spend a few days in your new home...Soak in the good life for a bit...Partake of the material pleasures I have bestowed upon you... Drink the finest wines.. Eat the richest foods... Make love day and night to the other beautiful people... And I want you to take note of how meaningless it all becomes... See what dark places your mind will take you when all your appetites are met and you must move into ever more extreme realms to derive pleasure..."
Dorothy stared out the window...
The blurred landscape a smeared canvas...
"And Dorothy..."
"Yessir?"
"I want you to take good notes..."
Join us tomorrow (I promise) as miraculously I get a chapter completed...
Punk rock dating chapter 62: Do the Pivot...
Dorothy loses her shit:
Scene: Some lame coke party at the Montauk Yacht Club in the Hamptons.
Dorothy was at a banquet table piling in Amuse-bouches when she saw a rugged, good looking guy bragging to another guest about his Feretti 620.
Dorothy made her way over to this handsome asshole to introduce herself...
"Hello...I'm Dorothy..."
"Well, well ,well...My name is Thomas Brookshore. And to what do I owe the great pleasure of meeting such a stunning young creature?"
"I just saw you from across the room and I couldn't help hearing about your boat. I'm a sailing enthusiast too and just wanted to know...Are you into competitive yachting or is it just a recreational thing or...?"
She could actually care less about sailing.
All she wanted was a deep dicking.
"Oh, I just boat for pleasure...My business keeps me quite busy and the only activity that really helps me unwind is an afternoon on the Atlantic on my boat. The rhythm of the waves...the sound of the surf against the bow...the smell of salt in the air...I mean...that is living!"
"What company do you work for?" Dorothy asked, sipping her Courvoisier.
"Well...I work for myself...I actually own my own stock brokerage firm," he explained. "Even with the significant decline in the market we still were able to pull in our highest third quarter profits in five years..."
Dorothy's soul yawned. She decided it was time to cut the shit.
"Are you involved with anyone?" She asked.
Thomas thought it about it for a second. "No...I know it sounds corny but I just haven't been able to find Mrs. Right...You know...Someone I can share my life with...Someone I can take out on a moonlight cruise on the bay...Sipping Mojitos..."
"Well," said Dorothy finishing off her brandy, "I might not be big on Mojitos but my blowjobs are impeccable..."
Thomas' wang gave a standing ovation.
"So, do I have the job?" Dorothy asked coyly.
.........................................................................................
Over the next couple months Thomas and Dorothy would get together every Wednesday afternoon and fuck. It was mostly just a meaningless thing for Dorothy.
But not meaningless to Thomas. You see, there was something Dorothy didn't know. Thomas wasn't some entrepreneurial stockbroker. He was more of a...
...How do you say it?
Ah yes...
...He was more of a dishwasher at Carmine's Artificial Italian Restaurant.
On weekends he would rent a tux and pretend to be some hotshot self-made millionaire at ridiculously pretentious yacht parties, where he would prey on gullible rich women.
Thomas only wanted money.
Dorothy had some suspicions that Tom wasn't quite who he claimed to be. For one, she had never seen him pick up the bill at a restaurant. There were also a few instances where he would ask her to invest money in some vague new business he was starting. This wasn't anything new to Dorothy.
She noticed that since she acquired her wealth everybody wanted something from her. But none of this really bothered her. After all, it wasn't her money. SCORPIO was footing the bill. So long as she got something out of it Dorothy didn't mind....
..................................................................................
It was a typical Wednesday.
Dorothy had just invited Thomas into her plush pink bedroom for an afternoon of indoor activities.
Dorothy was unbuttoning Thomas's fly when she noticed something different.
"Thomas...that ring..." she shuddered.
Thomas' jaw (and penis) dropped. He was caught. He had simply forgotten to take off his wedding ring.
His mind raced for an answer.
"Ahhh...yea...It's a prop...We're doing a Clement Allsworth play down at the yacht club and I got the lead role...and..."
Dorothy raised an eyebrow.
"Screw it. You're right," he sighed. "I'm full of shit...Listen, Dorothy, I'd lie to you if I thought you'd believe it, but...There's something I've got to tell you..."
"You're married?!"
"Yes...for the last five years."
Thomas sat on the bed next to Dorothy, zipping his fly back up.
"What's her name?" Dorothy asked.
"Jeanette. We were high school sweethearts. Five years ago I decided to make an honest woman out of her..." Thomas chuckled.
Dorothy wasn't laughing. She lit up a cigarette. "Any kids?"
"No... Not yet...She wants kids but I'm not sure if I'm ready...I'm not in any financial position to take care of anyone else..."
Dorothy took a deep drag from her Marlboro.
"So you you don't work on Wall Street either, I take it. "
Thomas felt ashamed for the first time in his life. "Uhhh....no... Charlotte street. "
"Why'd you do it, Tom? If that's even your real name..."
"No. My name really is Tom....I guess I did it because I needed the money....It's hard taking care of a family on minimum wage...but that doesn't mean our time together wasn't special...You're a gorgeous girl, Dorothy...I mean, your green hair...it drives me wild..."
Dorothy felt a small fraction of guilt that she had been having sex with a married man but more than anything she just felt horny. She had already done the deed several times so what difference did it make now?
She stubbed out her cigarette and chopped a small line on her compact mirror. The fraction of guilt disappeared.
"Tom?" she sniffed.
"Yes, Dorothy?"
"I want you to fuck me and call me 'Jeanette.'"
Tom was happy to oblige...
Join us tomorrow so you can read another chapter that ends with "Join us tomorrow" and get lost in the cyclical infinitude of it all...
Punk rock dating chapter 63: The Nature of Control...
Dorothy's notes got a little blurry:
New Years Eve 2007 :
11: 30 P.M:
6 Months after the Kentucky Mission:
From the safe distance of the midnight balcony, Dorothy and the marble statue stared at the flashing city in cold detachment ...
It had been a long year...
A tide of 1996 Chauteau La Mondotte Saint-Emilion, blood red on her lips... The loose change slipping through her fingers were the days... Every morning she'd awake to the static shards behind her eyes, a bedful of eccentric husbands and exotic wives...She shooed them away at roughly 3 in the afternoon... They fluttered out the window on a gust of old money...
..But that year was over, and 2008 weighed heavy on this night.
Dorothy was high, but unsociable... She sipped her drink and sighed, basking in the comfortable weight of magnificent loneliness...
She felt herself cringe when she heard Marty's voice from behind, "Wow...I haven't seen you much lately... But it looks like you've done just fine for yourself."
Dorothy pretended to smile, "Yes, Marty... What do you need?"
"Need?" he laughed, "I don't need anything! I'm doing just great! Me and Leslie just got engaged..."
He held up his hand, revealing a cheap ring.
Dorothy's smile turned real, her heart hurt as she didn't know whether to honestly congratulate him on the good news or laugh at the quaint ring.
"That's good to hear..." she took another sip from her drink.
"It's weird telling you this...I don't know how to say this but..."
Dorothy didn't know what was coming next...this excited her.
"...I always thought you and me would kind of end up together one day... but I couldn't tell you...I didn't know how..." he continued, "I shouldn't say anything ...I don't know why I did...The drinks, maybe..."
Dorothy looked across the room at Leslie... A beautiful girl, squirming in her insecurities...
Then Dorothy looked back at Marty...Didn't want him at all...Only wanted to feel something, "I always liked you too..."
Leslie caught a glimpse of them out of the corner of her eye, a flash of worry in her face...
"I...gotta get back to Leslie...Listen, I'll see you at the Literary Choice awards...Maybe we'll talk more then..."
Marty shook as he walked away.
Dorothy was somewhat surprised he didn't hit her up for money...
"Dorothy," cried an electronic voice from her purse.
"What do you want to nag me about now?" she seethed through clenched teeth.
"I think we're losing you..." the MP3 player pointed out.
She rolled her eyes, "For Chrissakes, Patina... I can't take all this anymore! The phony friends! The begging! Boring! Boring! Boring! I have to keep myself medicated just so I don't go insane!"
She took another pull from her glass. Another line from her purse....
"You're that unhappy?" Patina asked.
"Yes!"
"Then leave it all behind."
"I can't," she sniffed. "I'm not going back to what I had before."
"What did you have before?"
The pain of the memory made Dorothy smile, "Nothing. I had absolutely nothing. No friends, no family... Everyone went out of their way to humiliate me... I was dead, Professor! Dead inside! I'm still dead. At least every now and then I get to feel a little something..."
"What do you feel now?"
"Afraid. Ashamed. Afraid of what I'm doing to others. Ashamed of the things I do. But at least I'm doing these things..." she defended, "It used to be everything just happened to me... I wasn't ever involved...I was a puppet.... I was a dog on a leash... Dragged through the streets.... I don't want to ever not be in control again..."
"You think you have any control, Dorothy? Oh, others are still controlling you... I see you cowering from Escorpion... He controls you! The money...You can't go back to that old apartment, right? The drugs... I don't think you'd make it through the day without your fancy wines and expensive pills!"
"Yes, but I've found my bosses are getting fewer and fewer...."
"What are you going to do when this mission of soul degradation is over? When you're just another one of SCORPIO's cronies? When you find yourself back under their boot heel? What will you do then to keep this 'freedom?' Would you betray everyone you love? Would you kill to maintain your power?"
Dorothy was about to answer when from within the mansion arose a tone deaf rendition of "Auld Lang Syne."
The clock had struck midnight...fireworks tore a gaping hole in the sky. The New Year poured in like a tidal wave...
Dorothy looked into the room from the balcony. Marty walked over and kissed Leslie, the couple stared lovingly into each others eyes. It looked so genuine. It felt so fake.
She stood alone, crying...
"Happy New Year, Dorothy!" emanated from Patina's tinny speakers.
She wiped the tears from her mascara eyes...
"Do you feel any better," he asked.
"Kinda."
"Dorothy... Since we're finally alone...There's something I've been meaning to ask you... Do you remember that dance.... the one where..."
The knife twisted in Dorothy's stomach... She needed more drugs....
"I'm sorry if this is painful..."
"No, go on," She insisted.
"I had Coorgan read me the notes Orion kept. Coded brilliantly I might add... I think he could've actually authored "Punk Rock Dating" himself! The dear boy never gave himself enough credit..."
"But you digress..."
"Yes, yes, but I digress... I think Orion had a plan to give someone he trusted the MP3's of his soul...I've done some independent investigation and I think I've narrowed it down... I think I know who has Orion's soul..."
"Who?" Dorothy momentarily forgot about issues of control, of drinks, of crutches...
"You do..."
Join us tomorrow for...could it be? Could it be the return of Orion? Nawww... but we do have
very special guest, Joan Embry from the San Diego Zoo...
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Punk rock dating: chapters 64-67
Punk rock dating: Chapter 64: Getting down to business...
Business:
January 1st, 2008 12:05 p.m.:
The Balcony of Dorothy's Highrise:
"What do you mean I have my Father's soul?"
"You see, Dorothy, Similar to what I have done, converting my consciousness into data, Orion downloaded just enough of his mind and memories to carry on his mission onto a small computer chip. Do you remember when he was adjusting your corsage?" asked the good Professor Patina, now a pussy pink MP3 player.
Dorothy stared out into the twinkling trash heap of the city, the celebratory shouts of the New Year party-goers echoing off the canyon walls
"Yes...I do remember. That's why...I mean... That was the reason my Mother killed my Father, because she was told by Escorpion that my Father was going to download you into my brain..."
"Which I'd like to point out now is obviously incorrect," interrupted Patina.
"... But my Mother must have seen him put the chip in my corsage and thought that..."
Dorothy started to choke up.
"I take it you still have the corsage?"
Dorothy bolted past the revelers in her house and ran into her main bedroom. She flicked on the lights (obviously surprising the drunk couple getting it on her bed), and threw open the doors of her closet.
Underneath a pile of fine living magazines and a bowling ball was a small shoebox.
"Under the bowling ball? For goodness sakes, Dorothy!" scolded Patina.
"Will you shut up? How was I supposed to know?!?!?!" She took the box from the closet.
Inside the old box were her various treasures from throughout the years, a lock of her Mother's hair, some old photos of her and her Mother, rocks she'd collected on the beach as a child, her marble collection...
"You've thrown the soul of the great Orion into a box of rocks and marbles?!?! We'll be lucky the poor dear isn't retarded after all this!"
"Patina! I told you to shut up!"
The drunken couple looked on in astonishment as Dorothy conversed with herself.
"Will you two get OUT OF HERE?!?!" screamed Dorothy, throwing a handful of marbles at them.
She then returned to the task at hand, digging out from beneath a pile of memories, the battered old silk corsage...
"Yes! This is it!" Patina exclaimed excitedly.
And between its withered petals was indeed, a small microchip.
"My Father...he's on this?"
"Yes!"
"You mean, he's a freak like you, Patina?"
"Yes! I mean no, he's not a freak but he is like me in that he is no longer flesh and blood... He is now information...an intellect that can be downloaded into a computer..."
The dark started to lift from Dorothy's shoulders...and the real trouble was about to begin.
Join us tomorrow when the trouble begins...
Punk rock dating chapter 65: The Flutey Flute:
Clandestine Meeting:
New York City. January 15th 2008:
Dorothy was anxious.
"I take it we're shielded?"
"Yes. I have my own set of psychic assassins protecting us from any SCORPIO intrusion," Aigipan reassured, "It also seems you have protection of your own..."
Dorothy rolled her eyes, "Oh, probably Dr. Coorgan. He follows me around, protecting me...I never see him though...He’s usually hiding, I guess…"
"Well, in these times we need all the help we can get..."
"The chip," Patina reminded the two, "How is Orion's chip?"
"Well," well-ed Aigipan, tousling his hair, "You were right to bring him to us, CAPRICORN is a haven of hidden technologies, we have our top experts using the most advanced 22nd century data retrieval methods... We're close, I think. I'd say in about two more weeks we may have some success. But even if we do access the files, it's hard to say what kind of shape they're in..."
"But it can be done?" asked Patina.
"It will be done," Aigipan smiled weakly.
"We can't thank you enough, Mr. Aigipan..." Professor Patina gushed.
"It's always a pleasure to work with the House of LIBRA..."
"Yes, the house of CAPRICORN has been instrumental in the development of Project 54, " Patina agreed.
Aigipan shot Dorothy a grave stare. "Just do me a favor..."
"What?"
"Don't get mixed up in SCORPIO! Leave now! While there's still something good in you! You have an incredible support system that will protect you from Escorpion..."
Dorothy stood mute in the piss of sleet...Flag frozen to the pole...A grey sheet...The streetlight dimmed...shadows devoured themselves...She slowly raised her grey eyes.
"I don't think there's anything that can protect me from Escorpion now.”
Join us Tomorrow when we find out where clip-on ties come from! I'm serious.....
Punk rock dating chapter 66 : What Do I Say to Her?
The yoctosecond of relative well being:
Early 2008:
Clement Allsworth's Perpetually Filthy House:
Clement Allsworth attempted to straighten his tie, but such a thing was impossible, for his tie was born crooked.
1976, the year of the dragon:
Behold! A beautiful Chinese Summer. That alluring time of year when the lotus is at its fullest bloom.
In an especially sweltering textile plant in the district of Guangdong (renowned for their fine clip-on ties) a sheet of polyester is crimped in one of the industrial sewing machines.
The crimp in this fabric is overlooked by a lazy supervisor and a dishonorable tie is made from this imperfect material.This damaged tie is later sent to the United States where it sits on a shelf at a JC Penney’s for 30 years before the brown and orange paisley swirl catches the discerning eye of Clement Allsworth.
"Swinging!" Clement beamed in the mirror.
The academy, still buzzing from 2003's "Pop Fortunes", had enlisted Clement to present the award for "Best Typeface in a Vampire Love Story" award at this year's "Literary Choice Awards" ceremony. Clement's existence up to this point had been long and miserable. He walked around in perpetual disillusionment. He had money, respect from the literary community, and women lined up to get to know this reclusive phantom but none of it was ever even close to being enough.
But on this night Clement Allsworth felt contented for what the cosmic clock officially timed as exactly 1.5 yoctoseconds.
Which is a long time when you're measuring relative happiness.
Little did Clement or the Cosmic Clock know that this would be the night that Clement first met the seemingly innocuous young girl that would haunt this old ghost for the remainder of his life...
"I was better off just staying at home," Mr. Allsworth cried later in 2025, tying his own noose.
Clement was much more skilled at tying nooses than neckties.
Because what purpose does a necktie serve, really?
As the limo pulled up to the Hilden Hotel (site of that year's Literary Choice Awards), Clement stepped out of the car, took one final pull from his Yoo-Hoo and walked onto the red carpet...
"Hello, Mr. Sparks?" asked an especially vacant paparazzi.
"Who?" squinted Clement, blinded by the flashbulbs.
"Aren't you Nicholas Sparks?"
"Uhhh...no, Ma'am...my name's Clement Allsworth...I think..."
"Oh," the dazed girl put down her microphone.
The cameraman encouraged her to keep rolling...
"So," She continued, "Why are you here tonight? Are you a writer?"
"Yes, Ma'am, I wrote a couple or fifty books...but I'm here as a presenter tonight..."
"Ooooo. Are you excited to meet Nicholas Sparks backstage?"
"I...I dunno... I'm embarrassed to say I don't read a whole lot really... 'Cept for T.V Guide, they have some pretty useful articles in there sometimes... I guess..."
"Oookay, Mr...."
"Allsworth"
The girl smiled vacantly back into the camera. "Well, Mr. Allsworth, good luck tonight and..."
"I...I'm not up for any awards..."
"You know what I mean...”
Security forced Clement indoors...
...forced him right past a certain Ms. (five seconds of silence).
With each complimentary vodka martini, Marty's shirt became more and more untucked...
"Did you ever think you'd be at the Literary Choice Awards? Hobnobbing with the big shots?" he asked Marie Lansing.
"No, it's quite the honor. "
Marie was lying. Since that first paycheck nothing had been a surprise to Marie.
When she was working out the mathematical equation of her life, she accurately figured that she should have made sufficient waves in the literary community to have such honors bestowed upon her by this point.
She did realize she must have missed a decimal point or had forgotten to carry a two, since she was merely a presenter and not a nominee.
"You've come a long way," said a familiar voice.
Marie instantly turned around, "Dorothy!"
Dorothy hid behind black sunglasses and a withered heart, "I'm sorry if my presence here has upset you...it's just that..."
"Uhhh...Dorothy, Ms. Lansing... " Marty interrupted, sensing tension, "I'm going to make my way backstage...I heard Nicholas Sparks is here and I just wanted to finally get the chance to tell him how much 'The Notebook' meant to me..."
"Yes, go ahead! Give Mr. Sparks my regards..."
"Will do," Marty stumbled off.
"Is Marty gay..." pondered Marie.
"No... just a Nicholas Sparks fan," answered Dorothy, swishing the Chardonnay around in her half empty glass.
"Why did you leave me in the middle of the night, dammit?" Marie snapped through gritted teeth finally getting down to business.
"If it's about the bottle of wine I stole I can replace it! I'll have Marty write you a check and..."
"It's not about the wine, and I am into the whole one night stand thing but say 'goodbye' at least..."
"I'm sorry," Dorothy said coldly.
"You're not sorry..."
"But I'm trying to be...Which is a lot more than I used to be able to do..."
Marie stared at Dorothy a minute, arms folded, silent.
"So you wanna do it again after the ceremony?"
"God, yes," Dorothy orgasmed.
"Mrs. Lansing?" cautiously asked the gofer, shaking behind his clipboard.
"It's MIZZ Lansing!"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Lansing but...it's time for you to go on now..."
"See you after the show?" Marie confirmed.
Dorothy nodded.
"Good... don't leave without me..." Marie said, slightly stumbling over her heels in the rush to get onstage.
The crowd roared.
The lion slept.
"I'm not so sure you should be getting into relationships with these starlets at this point, Dorothy...I'd like to get you away from this kind of thing..." her iPod warned her. "I don't think it's good for your well-being..."
Dorothy had grown weary of the Professor's constant haranguing.
"Jesus, you sound like my Father..."
"Your Father was a great man, Dorothy, don't ever forget that," Professor Patina reminded.
"How could I possibly know that? I hardly ever saw him!"
The painful memories made her gulp down the last of her wine.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but as an adult you've got to understand that your Father's mission was of the utmost importance..."
"You sound like a broken record, Patina..."
"No, aside from the small skip in track 31, 'Graduation Day' my audio files are quite intact...Hopefully we can say the same for Orion. Luckily, we have Mr. Aigipan hard at work on restoring them. If only you had taken better care of them..."
"How was I supposed to know he hid a chip in my corsage?" Dorothy defended. "We're lucky I even kept it! Most people throw those things away!"
"He knew it would be special..." Patina clarified, "Because it was from the last night you and Orion had spent together. Quite ingenious! But that was your Father...I could go on for hours and hours..."
"Enough already!"
The Professor was taken aback by Dorothy's rudeness. "Although I wish your Father had been ingenious enough to teach you common courtesy!"
"Listen, Patina! You want me to switch you off again?!?!" Dorothy threatened.
"No, No! Anything but that!"
"Alright then! Just give me one night of peace. You can start guilt-tripping me again tomorrow...Besides, Marie isn't like those other party girls or those fun boys I normally associate with...She's different. She's really got her life together. I think I admire that..."
The nervous gofer returned again, speaking with a mouthful of antacids, "Excuse me, Ms (five seconds of silence)...you have a call!"
"Who is it?" Dorothy snapped.
"He wouldn't say his name... he just said to tell you it was the Commissioner..."
Dorothy ran to the phone.
"Hello?" she spoke into the receiver.
"Yes, Dorothy, I'm afraid I have some bad news..."
"Just tell me!"
"Aigipan is dead."
"What do you mean he's dead?!"
"I just received word," the Commissioner's voice sounded so old and frail over the phone, the harsh old man that used to exist was no longer there, buried beneath years of quiet life and strong Southern manner. "Aigipan was killed in his apartment. I sent Dr. Coorgan over to do some psychic reconnaissance..."
"What did they find?"
"Judging by the residual psychic vibrations found in the room, whoever the killer was had 'Be-Bop-A-Lula’ stuck in his head..."
"Planet-Bill!" Dorothy clenched her teeth.
"Yes, that and the American Spirit cigarettes we found in the ashtray led us to the same conclusion... As if all this news wasn't bad enough..."
"No,no,no," Dorothy pleaded to God or somebody.
"Orion's chip is gone..."
The tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled Aigipan's warnings, as she saw him step into the mouth of night for the last time...
"It's gone?"
"Yes Dorothy, and it's a pretty safe bet SCORPIO has it... And get this... Shortly after Aigipan was killed someone used his pass card to get into CAPRICORN labs and steal the blueprints for the Psychic Projector..."
"This is not good, Dorothy..." the Professor panicked.
"Patina, I told you not to listen in on my calls!"
"I don't know if you get it or not, Dorothy! The Psychic Projector was the one thing SCORPIO still needed in order to pull off their 'Sacred Grove' genocide!"
"I get it, I get it, we're screwed," sighed Dorothy.
"We are unless we do something!" Professor Patina reassured.
"We have good Intel saying we're screwed either way," you could hear the Commissioner light up his stogie over the phone.
Join us tomorrow-ish for more of "Partyin'" Marty Hardy and the Solid Gold Dancers....
Punk rock dating chapter 67: The History of Things We'll Never Get...
"For Dorothy, Drawings of Dying Clocks:
I cannot remember when the things that I have were the things that I wanted,
I take a look at the pictures on the wall and I cannot remember when these faces were strangers,
The years of dodged calls and dodgy excuses,
I couldn't stand the thought that anyone knows me,
eyes like a puzzle and a mind that's still searching,
can I have the comfort of not knowing the answer?
I let the clocks die so I could make the time up.
I want to know what it's like to forget ticking moments,
was there a time I didn't know what time was?
Today I want to forget where my face is,
Misplace all the names of the those that I know, and get the pleasure of meeting all these wonderful people that I call my friends all over again...
Would you still love me or am I miles away?
I imagine the strings holding each of us together, fraying from years of too many directions,
I say goodbye to someone everyday, It never crossing my mind I'll never see them again...
Planes of existence colliding on a day to day basis the faceless hellos and the baseless accusations, the things that I mean and the things that I hide and the humming intelligent engines all buzzing outside and the flashes of electric impulses that sometimes come together add up to a picture that each day becomes bigger, I tried to unwind all the tangled-up lines but I can't find my way from my mind to your mind...
- Julie Hales, 2010."
Sometimes in the quiet I call my mind Henry.
Hello, Henry!
Join us tomorrow as I sober up and attempt to get back to the story or something.....
Business:
January 1st, 2008 12:05 p.m.:
The Balcony of Dorothy's Highrise:
"What do you mean I have my Father's soul?"
"You see, Dorothy, Similar to what I have done, converting my consciousness into data, Orion downloaded just enough of his mind and memories to carry on his mission onto a small computer chip. Do you remember when he was adjusting your corsage?" asked the good Professor Patina, now a pussy pink MP3 player.
Dorothy stared out into the twinkling trash heap of the city, the celebratory shouts of the New Year party-goers echoing off the canyon walls
"Yes...I do remember. That's why...I mean... That was the reason my Mother killed my Father, because she was told by Escorpion that my Father was going to download you into my brain..."
"Which I'd like to point out now is obviously incorrect," interrupted Patina.
"... But my Mother must have seen him put the chip in my corsage and thought that..."
Dorothy started to choke up.
"I take it you still have the corsage?"
Dorothy bolted past the revelers in her house and ran into her main bedroom. She flicked on the lights (obviously surprising the drunk couple getting it on her bed), and threw open the doors of her closet.
Underneath a pile of fine living magazines and a bowling ball was a small shoebox.
"Under the bowling ball? For goodness sakes, Dorothy!" scolded Patina.
"Will you shut up? How was I supposed to know?!?!?!" She took the box from the closet.
Inside the old box were her various treasures from throughout the years, a lock of her Mother's hair, some old photos of her and her Mother, rocks she'd collected on the beach as a child, her marble collection...
"You've thrown the soul of the great Orion into a box of rocks and marbles?!?! We'll be lucky the poor dear isn't retarded after all this!"
"Patina! I told you to shut up!"
The drunken couple looked on in astonishment as Dorothy conversed with herself.
"Will you two get OUT OF HERE?!?!" screamed Dorothy, throwing a handful of marbles at them.
She then returned to the task at hand, digging out from beneath a pile of memories, the battered old silk corsage...
"Yes! This is it!" Patina exclaimed excitedly.
And between its withered petals was indeed, a small microchip.
"My Father...he's on this?"
"Yes!"
"You mean, he's a freak like you, Patina?"
"Yes! I mean no, he's not a freak but he is like me in that he is no longer flesh and blood... He is now information...an intellect that can be downloaded into a computer..."
The dark started to lift from Dorothy's shoulders...and the real trouble was about to begin.
Join us tomorrow when the trouble begins...
Punk rock dating chapter 65: The Flutey Flute:
Clandestine Meeting:
New York City. January 15th 2008:
Dorothy was anxious.
"I take it we're shielded?"
"Yes. I have my own set of psychic assassins protecting us from any SCORPIO intrusion," Aigipan reassured, "It also seems you have protection of your own..."
Dorothy rolled her eyes, "Oh, probably Dr. Coorgan. He follows me around, protecting me...I never see him though...He’s usually hiding, I guess…"
"Well, in these times we need all the help we can get..."
"The chip," Patina reminded the two, "How is Orion's chip?"
"Well," well-ed Aigipan, tousling his hair, "You were right to bring him to us, CAPRICORN is a haven of hidden technologies, we have our top experts using the most advanced 22nd century data retrieval methods... We're close, I think. I'd say in about two more weeks we may have some success. But even if we do access the files, it's hard to say what kind of shape they're in..."
"But it can be done?" asked Patina.
"It will be done," Aigipan smiled weakly.
"We can't thank you enough, Mr. Aigipan..." Professor Patina gushed.
"It's always a pleasure to work with the House of LIBRA..."
"Yes, the house of CAPRICORN has been instrumental in the development of Project 54, " Patina agreed.
Aigipan shot Dorothy a grave stare. "Just do me a favor..."
"What?"
"Don't get mixed up in SCORPIO! Leave now! While there's still something good in you! You have an incredible support system that will protect you from Escorpion..."
Dorothy stood mute in the piss of sleet...Flag frozen to the pole...A grey sheet...The streetlight dimmed...shadows devoured themselves...She slowly raised her grey eyes.
"I don't think there's anything that can protect me from Escorpion now.”
Join us Tomorrow when we find out where clip-on ties come from! I'm serious.....
Punk rock dating chapter 66 : What Do I Say to Her?
The yoctosecond of relative well being:
Early 2008:
Clement Allsworth's Perpetually Filthy House:
Clement Allsworth attempted to straighten his tie, but such a thing was impossible, for his tie was born crooked.
1976, the year of the dragon:
Behold! A beautiful Chinese Summer. That alluring time of year when the lotus is at its fullest bloom.
In an especially sweltering textile plant in the district of Guangdong (renowned for their fine clip-on ties) a sheet of polyester is crimped in one of the industrial sewing machines.
The crimp in this fabric is overlooked by a lazy supervisor and a dishonorable tie is made from this imperfect material.This damaged tie is later sent to the United States where it sits on a shelf at a JC Penney’s for 30 years before the brown and orange paisley swirl catches the discerning eye of Clement Allsworth.
"Swinging!" Clement beamed in the mirror.
The academy, still buzzing from 2003's "Pop Fortunes", had enlisted Clement to present the award for "Best Typeface in a Vampire Love Story" award at this year's "Literary Choice Awards" ceremony. Clement's existence up to this point had been long and miserable. He walked around in perpetual disillusionment. He had money, respect from the literary community, and women lined up to get to know this reclusive phantom but none of it was ever even close to being enough.
But on this night Clement Allsworth felt contented for what the cosmic clock officially timed as exactly 1.5 yoctoseconds.
Which is a long time when you're measuring relative happiness.
Little did Clement or the Cosmic Clock know that this would be the night that Clement first met the seemingly innocuous young girl that would haunt this old ghost for the remainder of his life...
"I was better off just staying at home," Mr. Allsworth cried later in 2025, tying his own noose.
Clement was much more skilled at tying nooses than neckties.
Because what purpose does a necktie serve, really?
As the limo pulled up to the Hilden Hotel (site of that year's Literary Choice Awards), Clement stepped out of the car, took one final pull from his Yoo-Hoo and walked onto the red carpet...
"Hello, Mr. Sparks?" asked an especially vacant paparazzi.
"Who?" squinted Clement, blinded by the flashbulbs.
"Aren't you Nicholas Sparks?"
"Uhhh...no, Ma'am...my name's Clement Allsworth...I think..."
"Oh," the dazed girl put down her microphone.
The cameraman encouraged her to keep rolling...
"So," She continued, "Why are you here tonight? Are you a writer?"
"Yes, Ma'am, I wrote a couple or fifty books...but I'm here as a presenter tonight..."
"Ooooo. Are you excited to meet Nicholas Sparks backstage?"
"I...I dunno... I'm embarrassed to say I don't read a whole lot really... 'Cept for T.V Guide, they have some pretty useful articles in there sometimes... I guess..."
"Oookay, Mr...."
"Allsworth"
The girl smiled vacantly back into the camera. "Well, Mr. Allsworth, good luck tonight and..."
"I...I'm not up for any awards..."
"You know what I mean...”
Security forced Clement indoors...
...forced him right past a certain Ms. (five seconds of silence).
With each complimentary vodka martini, Marty's shirt became more and more untucked...
"Did you ever think you'd be at the Literary Choice Awards? Hobnobbing with the big shots?" he asked Marie Lansing.
"No, it's quite the honor. "
Marie was lying. Since that first paycheck nothing had been a surprise to Marie.
When she was working out the mathematical equation of her life, she accurately figured that she should have made sufficient waves in the literary community to have such honors bestowed upon her by this point.
She did realize she must have missed a decimal point or had forgotten to carry a two, since she was merely a presenter and not a nominee.
"You've come a long way," said a familiar voice.
Marie instantly turned around, "Dorothy!"
Dorothy hid behind black sunglasses and a withered heart, "I'm sorry if my presence here has upset you...it's just that..."
"Uhhh...Dorothy, Ms. Lansing... " Marty interrupted, sensing tension, "I'm going to make my way backstage...I heard Nicholas Sparks is here and I just wanted to finally get the chance to tell him how much 'The Notebook' meant to me..."
"Yes, go ahead! Give Mr. Sparks my regards..."
"Will do," Marty stumbled off.
"Is Marty gay..." pondered Marie.
"No... just a Nicholas Sparks fan," answered Dorothy, swishing the Chardonnay around in her half empty glass.
"Why did you leave me in the middle of the night, dammit?" Marie snapped through gritted teeth finally getting down to business.
"If it's about the bottle of wine I stole I can replace it! I'll have Marty write you a check and..."
"It's not about the wine, and I am into the whole one night stand thing but say 'goodbye' at least..."
"I'm sorry," Dorothy said coldly.
"You're not sorry..."
"But I'm trying to be...Which is a lot more than I used to be able to do..."
Marie stared at Dorothy a minute, arms folded, silent.
"So you wanna do it again after the ceremony?"
"God, yes," Dorothy orgasmed.
"Mrs. Lansing?" cautiously asked the gofer, shaking behind his clipboard.
"It's MIZZ Lansing!"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Lansing but...it's time for you to go on now..."
"See you after the show?" Marie confirmed.
Dorothy nodded.
"Good... don't leave without me..." Marie said, slightly stumbling over her heels in the rush to get onstage.
The crowd roared.
The lion slept.
"I'm not so sure you should be getting into relationships with these starlets at this point, Dorothy...I'd like to get you away from this kind of thing..." her iPod warned her. "I don't think it's good for your well-being..."
Dorothy had grown weary of the Professor's constant haranguing.
"Jesus, you sound like my Father..."
"Your Father was a great man, Dorothy, don't ever forget that," Professor Patina reminded.
"How could I possibly know that? I hardly ever saw him!"
The painful memories made her gulp down the last of her wine.
"I know you don't want to hear this, but as an adult you've got to understand that your Father's mission was of the utmost importance..."
"You sound like a broken record, Patina..."
"No, aside from the small skip in track 31, 'Graduation Day' my audio files are quite intact...Hopefully we can say the same for Orion. Luckily, we have Mr. Aigipan hard at work on restoring them. If only you had taken better care of them..."
"How was I supposed to know he hid a chip in my corsage?" Dorothy defended. "We're lucky I even kept it! Most people throw those things away!"
"He knew it would be special..." Patina clarified, "Because it was from the last night you and Orion had spent together. Quite ingenious! But that was your Father...I could go on for hours and hours..."
"Enough already!"
The Professor was taken aback by Dorothy's rudeness. "Although I wish your Father had been ingenious enough to teach you common courtesy!"
"Listen, Patina! You want me to switch you off again?!?!" Dorothy threatened.
"No, No! Anything but that!"
"Alright then! Just give me one night of peace. You can start guilt-tripping me again tomorrow...Besides, Marie isn't like those other party girls or those fun boys I normally associate with...She's different. She's really got her life together. I think I admire that..."
The nervous gofer returned again, speaking with a mouthful of antacids, "Excuse me, Ms (five seconds of silence)...you have a call!"
"Who is it?" Dorothy snapped.
"He wouldn't say his name... he just said to tell you it was the Commissioner..."
Dorothy ran to the phone.
"Hello?" she spoke into the receiver.
"Yes, Dorothy, I'm afraid I have some bad news..."
"Just tell me!"
"Aigipan is dead."
"What do you mean he's dead?!"
"I just received word," the Commissioner's voice sounded so old and frail over the phone, the harsh old man that used to exist was no longer there, buried beneath years of quiet life and strong Southern manner. "Aigipan was killed in his apartment. I sent Dr. Coorgan over to do some psychic reconnaissance..."
"What did they find?"
"Judging by the residual psychic vibrations found in the room, whoever the killer was had 'Be-Bop-A-Lula’ stuck in his head..."
"Planet-Bill!" Dorothy clenched her teeth.
"Yes, that and the American Spirit cigarettes we found in the ashtray led us to the same conclusion... As if all this news wasn't bad enough..."
"No,no,no," Dorothy pleaded to God or somebody.
"Orion's chip is gone..."
The tears welled up in her eyes as she recalled Aigipan's warnings, as she saw him step into the mouth of night for the last time...
"It's gone?"
"Yes Dorothy, and it's a pretty safe bet SCORPIO has it... And get this... Shortly after Aigipan was killed someone used his pass card to get into CAPRICORN labs and steal the blueprints for the Psychic Projector..."
"This is not good, Dorothy..." the Professor panicked.
"Patina, I told you not to listen in on my calls!"
"I don't know if you get it or not, Dorothy! The Psychic Projector was the one thing SCORPIO still needed in order to pull off their 'Sacred Grove' genocide!"
"I get it, I get it, we're screwed," sighed Dorothy.
"We are unless we do something!" Professor Patina reassured.
"We have good Intel saying we're screwed either way," you could hear the Commissioner light up his stogie over the phone.
Join us tomorrow-ish for more of "Partyin'" Marty Hardy and the Solid Gold Dancers....
Punk rock dating chapter 67: The History of Things We'll Never Get...
"For Dorothy, Drawings of Dying Clocks:
I cannot remember when the things that I have were the things that I wanted,
I take a look at the pictures on the wall and I cannot remember when these faces were strangers,
The years of dodged calls and dodgy excuses,
I couldn't stand the thought that anyone knows me,
eyes like a puzzle and a mind that's still searching,
can I have the comfort of not knowing the answer?
I let the clocks die so I could make the time up.
I want to know what it's like to forget ticking moments,
was there a time I didn't know what time was?
Today I want to forget where my face is,
Misplace all the names of the those that I know, and get the pleasure of meeting all these wonderful people that I call my friends all over again...
Would you still love me or am I miles away?
I imagine the strings holding each of us together, fraying from years of too many directions,
I say goodbye to someone everyday, It never crossing my mind I'll never see them again...
Planes of existence colliding on a day to day basis the faceless hellos and the baseless accusations, the things that I mean and the things that I hide and the humming intelligent engines all buzzing outside and the flashes of electric impulses that sometimes come together add up to a picture that each day becomes bigger, I tried to unwind all the tangled-up lines but I can't find my way from my mind to your mind...
- Julie Hales, 2010."
Sometimes in the quiet I call my mind Henry.
Hello, Henry!
Join us tomorrow as I sober up and attempt to get back to the story or something.....
Monday, January 28, 2013
Punk rock dating chapters 68- 69
Punk rock dating chapter 68: The Next Depression Swingers...
Cherry Face:
September, 13, 2009,
The Captain Hotel:
Julie Hales bites her tongue and scribbles a few lines of her darkest verse:
"Oh, yes, mom and dad... Wherever you may be... Quiver in fear, when the day comes that my poetry is published in every schoolbook across this doomed nation...Look upon and despair... Let the entire world know what FAILURES you were! And let it be known what a human wretch I am as a result...Ohhh, despair, despair..." she stormed beneath her breath.
"Julie," barked Marie.
"Hmmm?" Julie stopped scribbling.
"Cartoons are on, are you going to come back to bed and watch TV with me or do I have to stay under the covers alone?" Marie beckoned.
Julie decided to take a break from plumbing the dank depths of her soul and watch some "Woody Woodpecker."
They snuggled under the hotel covers, the glow of domesticity covering Marie like a warm, worn sweater.
"These last few months have been the happiest of my life, Julie."
Julie; the battered flower brighter for it, a life of Sunday mornings, innocent girl fluent in filthy languages, shrugged the hardest times off her shoulders and continued on with the day smiling sincerely at the world, the shadows of her soul sometimes swirling at her sparkling pen but packed away when the TV showed good reruns again... Living in bed with her hair in a ponytail, bowl of painted cereal, stylish clothes unwashed on her floor, rapt in small pleasures, too awed by cosmic events to ever notice or acknowledge them...
Marie; the girl the world tried to beat down but she stood strong and the world walked around her. Marble, alone, day-planner out, plotting planetary alignments and her way out! Working for something she couldn't define and running twice as hard for something she couldn't find. Yet here she was thawed and dark hair down, the ringing notes of a still afternoon... Never before had she allowed herself to get this relaxed, this comfortable.
"I don't want to go back to the life I had," Marie whispered, pulling Julie closer, "All I cared about was work...money...the acceptance of people who were never going to give it...I was dead inside before you..."
"Don't say that, Marie... you were always a good person...I remember watching you on TV, you were so sweet! You looked like home to me," Julie said with a mouthful of Fruity Pebbles, staring blankly at cartoon violence.
"I was acting. It was all I knew. I assumed that's what all nice, warm people were like," Marie explained, "I mean... I would watch my Parents say 'Hi" to the neighbors, the perfect picture of hospitality and then they would talk trash behind the neighbors’ backs as soon as they were behind closed doors..."
"Hmmm. Sounds like my Parents..." Julie shrugged.
"I used to fantasize about other people's boring lives... Like how they went to school, went to work, how they overcame life's obstacles...Shit like that. I thought it was just science fiction. I thought I was Isaac Fucking Asimov writing these stories about such far-out concepts as true love and Families that come together in the end..."
"Huh...I should read one of your books someday," said Julie, transfixed by Tom & Jerry.
"But I don't know anymore... Maybe just my family was fucked..."
"Naww," Julie nawwwed, "My family was fucked too..."
Marie smiled, "Maybe we can be different. Maybe we can break the cycle, become our own loving Family. Maybe..."
(cue the sharp pounding of a frantic fist hammering on the door.)
"Who is it?" Marie shouted from the comfort of her bed.
The pounding intensified.
Marie jumped from her bed and ran to the door, Julie puppy dogging behind her.
(turn the record over and cue more relentless pounding.)
"Jeezus!" Marie flung open the door to a poor washed out wisp of a girl beaten by rain and years of running...
"Dorothy!" gasped Marie.
"Who?" asked Julie, clutching a baseball bat.
"She's my ex..." Marie shuddered.
Uh oh, where has Dorothy been? Why is she back? What happened in the year since they last met? What happened with Orion? With Patina? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
relax...we'll find out tomorrow...
Punk rock dating no. 69: You Don't Remember Me...
I will plot the distance:
Star-faced; bathed in diffuse nebulae and stinking of pineapple... the luminous half-remembered schoolgirl of my distant memory: you scramble the eggs in my head, you do... Whatever became of the tourists just passing through the places my map cannot recall...you come from where I come from, spiritual second cousins, in a distant sense... I want to punch in you in the mouthful of diamonds...
I used to not be able to shake this feeling that everyday was the end of the world, now I count seconds...
I spent the last twenty three years in all-encompassing solitude pondering the eternal question "are we alone or is that my neighbor knocking?"
Decades devoted to meditating and searching the hidden reaches of my soul...
and what did I find there?
Re-runs of ALF.
Oh well...
........................................................................................................................
Julie (dark poet and life-long member of the Mr. T fan-club) worked hard on her A-Team slash-fiction, attempting to ignore re-united ex-lovers, she typed:
.......................................................................................................................
'B.A lie wounded in the trenches by Charlie's bullet...Murdock hurriedly tied a tourniquet tight around B.A.'s leg as mortar shells burst around them...
"Murdock!" B.A barked, his face twisted in agony, "Listen... I... I don't know how to say it!"
Murdock knew what was coming next, it wasn't completely unexpected... Sometimes under extreme combat conditions a certain stirring would occur between two fighting brothers...
"Don't say it, B.A....you don't know what yer sayin', you've lost a lot of blood..." Murdock pulled the bandage tighter...
"No! I mean it, fool! I...I love you...!"
Murdock bit his bottom lip, fighting to hold back the tears, his mind grasped for a joke but for the first time in his life he was short on mirth...
B.A. continued in his usual churlish manner, " Murdock! I've wasted my entire life pityin' fools..."
His features softened,
"...But all along the fools should have been pityin' me!
..........................................................................................................................
"Are you still working on those sick A-Team fan fiction stories?" Marie asked Julie bitterly.
"They're not sick," insisted Julie, "They're love stories, about true fucking LOVE! You wouldn't understand..."
"Oh I understand! And that one where Hannibal goes undercover as a woman and sleeps with Face? Sick!"
"Why don't you just leave with Dorothy?!?" Julie cried convulsively, "We both know that you love her and not me!"
Marie knew Julie was hurt by the sudden reappearance of Dorothy.
"Julie... It's not like that! She was just a... thing..."
Dorothy became offended.
"Oh?! Is that all I am to you?" she interjected. "A ...thing?!?!?"
There was no winning.
"I didn't mean it like that..." Marie sighed.
I came back because I needed help," Dorothy cried, "You were the only person I trusted! That believed in me! That I could count on!"
"Everbody just needs to calm down," said Marie, making a failed attempt to become the voice of reason, "Now Julie... Dorothy only came back because she's in trouble... She doesn't want to take me away from you, isn't that right, Dorothy?"
Dorothy held her weary skull low, "Yes, that's right, I don't want Marie back... I only came to you because all of us are in danger..."
"What do you mean? We're not in any danger..." Marie lied to herself...
"SCORPIO, Marie...They're coming for us..."
In a sudden red rush of inspiration, Julie revised the last line of her fan fiction....
.............................................................................................................................................................................
B.A. continued in his usual churlish manner," Murdock! I've wasted my entire life pityin' fools..."
His features softened.
"...But all along the fool I should have been pityin'...was ME!"
.............................................................................................................................................................................
"This has a much truer ring to it," she nodded to herself.
(cue window breaking...KSSSHHHH!)
Join us tomorrow as Marie and Dorothy get all caught up and tomorrow will we finally discover the fate of old Orion? Do you even remember who all these characters are?
Cherry Face:
September, 13, 2009,
The Captain Hotel:
Julie Hales bites her tongue and scribbles a few lines of her darkest verse:
"Oh, yes, mom and dad... Wherever you may be... Quiver in fear, when the day comes that my poetry is published in every schoolbook across this doomed nation...Look upon and despair... Let the entire world know what FAILURES you were! And let it be known what a human wretch I am as a result...Ohhh, despair, despair..." she stormed beneath her breath.
"Julie," barked Marie.
"Hmmm?" Julie stopped scribbling.
"Cartoons are on, are you going to come back to bed and watch TV with me or do I have to stay under the covers alone?" Marie beckoned.
Julie decided to take a break from plumbing the dank depths of her soul and watch some "Woody Woodpecker."
They snuggled under the hotel covers, the glow of domesticity covering Marie like a warm, worn sweater.
"These last few months have been the happiest of my life, Julie."
Julie; the battered flower brighter for it, a life of Sunday mornings, innocent girl fluent in filthy languages, shrugged the hardest times off her shoulders and continued on with the day smiling sincerely at the world, the shadows of her soul sometimes swirling at her sparkling pen but packed away when the TV showed good reruns again... Living in bed with her hair in a ponytail, bowl of painted cereal, stylish clothes unwashed on her floor, rapt in small pleasures, too awed by cosmic events to ever notice or acknowledge them...
Marie; the girl the world tried to beat down but she stood strong and the world walked around her. Marble, alone, day-planner out, plotting planetary alignments and her way out! Working for something she couldn't define and running twice as hard for something she couldn't find. Yet here she was thawed and dark hair down, the ringing notes of a still afternoon... Never before had she allowed herself to get this relaxed, this comfortable.
"I don't want to go back to the life I had," Marie whispered, pulling Julie closer, "All I cared about was work...money...the acceptance of people who were never going to give it...I was dead inside before you..."
"Don't say that, Marie... you were always a good person...I remember watching you on TV, you were so sweet! You looked like home to me," Julie said with a mouthful of Fruity Pebbles, staring blankly at cartoon violence.
"I was acting. It was all I knew. I assumed that's what all nice, warm people were like," Marie explained, "I mean... I would watch my Parents say 'Hi" to the neighbors, the perfect picture of hospitality and then they would talk trash behind the neighbors’ backs as soon as they were behind closed doors..."
"Hmmm. Sounds like my Parents..." Julie shrugged.
"I used to fantasize about other people's boring lives... Like how they went to school, went to work, how they overcame life's obstacles...Shit like that. I thought it was just science fiction. I thought I was Isaac Fucking Asimov writing these stories about such far-out concepts as true love and Families that come together in the end..."
"Huh...I should read one of your books someday," said Julie, transfixed by Tom & Jerry.
"But I don't know anymore... Maybe just my family was fucked..."
"Naww," Julie nawwwed, "My family was fucked too..."
Marie smiled, "Maybe we can be different. Maybe we can break the cycle, become our own loving Family. Maybe..."
(cue the sharp pounding of a frantic fist hammering on the door.)
"Who is it?" Marie shouted from the comfort of her bed.
The pounding intensified.
Marie jumped from her bed and ran to the door, Julie puppy dogging behind her.
(turn the record over and cue more relentless pounding.)
"Jeezus!" Marie flung open the door to a poor washed out wisp of a girl beaten by rain and years of running...
"Dorothy!" gasped Marie.
"Who?" asked Julie, clutching a baseball bat.
"She's my ex..." Marie shuddered.
Uh oh, where has Dorothy been? Why is she back? What happened in the year since they last met? What happened with Orion? With Patina? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
relax...we'll find out tomorrow...
Punk rock dating no. 69: You Don't Remember Me...
I will plot the distance:
Star-faced; bathed in diffuse nebulae and stinking of pineapple... the luminous half-remembered schoolgirl of my distant memory: you scramble the eggs in my head, you do... Whatever became of the tourists just passing through the places my map cannot recall...you come from where I come from, spiritual second cousins, in a distant sense... I want to punch in you in the mouthful of diamonds...
I used to not be able to shake this feeling that everyday was the end of the world, now I count seconds...
I spent the last twenty three years in all-encompassing solitude pondering the eternal question "are we alone or is that my neighbor knocking?"
Decades devoted to meditating and searching the hidden reaches of my soul...
and what did I find there?
Re-runs of ALF.
Oh well...
........................................................................................................................
Julie (dark poet and life-long member of the Mr. T fan-club) worked hard on her A-Team slash-fiction, attempting to ignore re-united ex-lovers, she typed:
.......................................................................................................................
'B.A lie wounded in the trenches by Charlie's bullet...Murdock hurriedly tied a tourniquet tight around B.A.'s leg as mortar shells burst around them...
"Murdock!" B.A barked, his face twisted in agony, "Listen... I... I don't know how to say it!"
Murdock knew what was coming next, it wasn't completely unexpected... Sometimes under extreme combat conditions a certain stirring would occur between two fighting brothers...
"Don't say it, B.A....you don't know what yer sayin', you've lost a lot of blood..." Murdock pulled the bandage tighter...
"No! I mean it, fool! I...I love you...!"
Murdock bit his bottom lip, fighting to hold back the tears, his mind grasped for a joke but for the first time in his life he was short on mirth...
B.A. continued in his usual churlish manner, " Murdock! I've wasted my entire life pityin' fools..."
His features softened,
"...But all along the fools should have been pityin' me!
..........................................................................................................................
"Are you still working on those sick A-Team fan fiction stories?" Marie asked Julie bitterly.
"They're not sick," insisted Julie, "They're love stories, about true fucking LOVE! You wouldn't understand..."
"Oh I understand! And that one where Hannibal goes undercover as a woman and sleeps with Face? Sick!"
"Why don't you just leave with Dorothy?!?" Julie cried convulsively, "We both know that you love her and not me!"
Marie knew Julie was hurt by the sudden reappearance of Dorothy.
"Julie... It's not like that! She was just a... thing..."
Dorothy became offended.
"Oh?! Is that all I am to you?" she interjected. "A ...thing?!?!?"
There was no winning.
"I didn't mean it like that..." Marie sighed.
I came back because I needed help," Dorothy cried, "You were the only person I trusted! That believed in me! That I could count on!"
"Everbody just needs to calm down," said Marie, making a failed attempt to become the voice of reason, "Now Julie... Dorothy only came back because she's in trouble... She doesn't want to take me away from you, isn't that right, Dorothy?"
Dorothy held her weary skull low, "Yes, that's right, I don't want Marie back... I only came to you because all of us are in danger..."
"What do you mean? We're not in any danger..." Marie lied to herself...
"SCORPIO, Marie...They're coming for us..."
In a sudden red rush of inspiration, Julie revised the last line of her fan fiction....
.............................................................................................................................................................................
B.A. continued in his usual churlish manner," Murdock! I've wasted my entire life pityin' fools..."
His features softened.
"...But all along the fool I should have been pityin'...was ME!"
.............................................................................................................................................................................
"This has a much truer ring to it," she nodded to herself.
(cue window breaking...KSSSHHHH!)
Join us tomorrow as Marie and Dorothy get all caught up and tomorrow will we finally discover the fate of old Orion? Do you even remember who all these characters are?
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Punk rock dating chapter 70
Punk rock dating chapter 70: The Piteous Plight of Plastic Plants...
Starlight Mints Supernova:
It was still pretty early in the day and Marie wasn't quite prepared to view the hideous countenance of Escorpion. Yet, here he was, standing in the hotel room right next to the fully-stocked mini-bar. Shards of glass embedded in his glossy hide from the seventh-story window he had flown through to get in.
"Some people don't know how to knock," Julie observed.
"What the hell is that?" shrieked Marie.
Dorothy was a bit embarrassed. "He's my ex-boss."
Escorpion flicked his fork tongue and slithered toward Dorothy. "Yes...and you have betrayed me...You knew of Orion and Patina..." He slithered closer to Dorothy. "You have stood in the way of the Sacred Grove...and now you shall pay..."
"Get back! "Dorothy shouted as she pulled a model 10 revolver from her expensive Gucci handbag (don't you dare call that motherfucker a "purse").
She fired a shot at Escorpion.
"BANG!" banged the gun.
His third head exploded, covering the complimentary soaps and shampoo with chunks of brain and scalp. Escorpion looked at the bloody stump on his shoulder with considerable concern....
"Hmmm...Almost out of heads..."
"Run!" Dorothy screamed as she herded the other girls out of the room.
They sprinted down the stairs, past the plastic palm trees in the lobby and out into the buzzing crowd of New York streets. Dorothy hailed a taxi and all three of them jumped inside. The strawberry tree hanged from the rear-view mirror menacingly...
"Go! JFK international! Now!" Marie shouted at the cab driver. The cabbie put the full weight of his foot on the gas pedal as Dorothy reloaded her Smith & Wesson (note: reloading a gun in the back seat of a taxi tends to make the driver a little nervous).
"It's no use going to the airport....He's going to find us wherever we go..."
Marie lit a cigarette and took a long, slow drag to calm her ringing nerves. "I think I know him. He looks a little different than when I was a kid, but I'd know those faces anywhere... That's Mr. E!"
"Yes! That's the name he used at Artemis publishing. How do you know who he is?" quizzed Dorothy.
"When i was kid...my parents used to have these wild sex parties...They'd put me to bed but I would sneak out and watch..."
"Sounds like fun!" smiled Julie.
"Fun? Yes, if not a little emotionally scarring, but... our neighbor, Mr. E...That's him! He used to always be there! All these years I thought I must have been imagining him..."
"So this is perfect!" exclaimed Dorothy. "We know where he lives!"
"Yes. We know where he lives."
Dorothy pulled a cellphone from her handbag and started dialing:
"Good. I have a few friends who might be interested...."
Join us tomorrow as we take a closer look at the plastic palm trees in the lobby....
Starlight Mints Supernova:
It was still pretty early in the day and Marie wasn't quite prepared to view the hideous countenance of Escorpion. Yet, here he was, standing in the hotel room right next to the fully-stocked mini-bar. Shards of glass embedded in his glossy hide from the seventh-story window he had flown through to get in.
"Some people don't know how to knock," Julie observed.
"What the hell is that?" shrieked Marie.
Dorothy was a bit embarrassed. "He's my ex-boss."
Escorpion flicked his fork tongue and slithered toward Dorothy. "Yes...and you have betrayed me...You knew of Orion and Patina..." He slithered closer to Dorothy. "You have stood in the way of the Sacred Grove...and now you shall pay..."
"Get back! "Dorothy shouted as she pulled a model 10 revolver from her expensive Gucci handbag (don't you dare call that motherfucker a "purse").
She fired a shot at Escorpion.
"BANG!" banged the gun.
His third head exploded, covering the complimentary soaps and shampoo with chunks of brain and scalp. Escorpion looked at the bloody stump on his shoulder with considerable concern....
"Hmmm...Almost out of heads..."
"Run!" Dorothy screamed as she herded the other girls out of the room.
They sprinted down the stairs, past the plastic palm trees in the lobby and out into the buzzing crowd of New York streets. Dorothy hailed a taxi and all three of them jumped inside. The strawberry tree hanged from the rear-view mirror menacingly...
"Go! JFK international! Now!" Marie shouted at the cab driver. The cabbie put the full weight of his foot on the gas pedal as Dorothy reloaded her Smith & Wesson (note: reloading a gun in the back seat of a taxi tends to make the driver a little nervous).
"It's no use going to the airport....He's going to find us wherever we go..."
Marie lit a cigarette and took a long, slow drag to calm her ringing nerves. "I think I know him. He looks a little different than when I was a kid, but I'd know those faces anywhere... That's Mr. E!"
"Yes! That's the name he used at Artemis publishing. How do you know who he is?" quizzed Dorothy.
"When i was kid...my parents used to have these wild sex parties...They'd put me to bed but I would sneak out and watch..."
"Sounds like fun!" smiled Julie.
"Fun? Yes, if not a little emotionally scarring, but... our neighbor, Mr. E...That's him! He used to always be there! All these years I thought I must have been imagining him..."
"So this is perfect!" exclaimed Dorothy. "We know where he lives!"
"Yes. We know where he lives."
Dorothy pulled a cellphone from her handbag and started dialing:
"Good. I have a few friends who might be interested...."
Join us tomorrow as we take a closer look at the plastic palm trees in the lobby....
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Punk rock dating chapter 71
Punk rock dating chapter 71: The Circumference of Infinity...
Illiterate Truths:
September 13th, 2009 :
The suburbs of Altoona, Pennsylvania:
1528 East Front Street.
Buried deep in a subdivision (surrounded by barren strip malls, spiritually bankrupt industrial parks and hexed parking lots) was a nondescript, pale-white, single-family house.
Docteur Coorgan was on one knee, picking the lock on Escorpion's front door with a tool set he had brought with him on the plane.
"I'd never been on a plane before," said Julie with a mouthful of complimentary peanuts. "It was cool of them to let me have an extra bag of peanuts...I tell ya...I think that stewardess liked me..."
"Shhh! Julie! You're constant jabbering is going to draw attention!" Dorothy scolded, "If we get caught breaking into Escorpion's house we're in serious trouble!"
Julie shot Dorothy a dirty look. "There wasn't all this trouble before you showed up..."
"Please!" Pleaded Marie. "Can you two stop bickering for five minutes? It doesn't matter who caused what! All that matters is that we end it..."
Dorothy looked impatiently at her watch. "Docteur Coorgan...Are we almost in?"
"Oui! Do not rush me! Picking ze lock is like making love to a beautiful woman! You do not rush, yes?"
Julie swallowed another handful of peanuts. "How do you know so much about picking locks?"
"Ah! When I was un jeune garçon growing up on the Saône, I used to be a bit of a Cambrioleur..." Dr. Coorgan reminisced. "I would break into summer villas and steal bottles of Cote de Nuits Burgandy...Later in life I stopped stealing wine and started stealing ze hearts of women...."
"Huh," huh-ed Julie.
"Je l'ai! I've got it!"
Escorpion's door slowly opened...
Dr. Coorgan, Marie Lansing, Julie Hales, Dorothy and Clement Allsworth gingerly stepped over the "Not Welcome" mat and into the dank living room of Escorpion, himself.
Excluding an avalanche of Tom Jones memorabilia, the Ranch-style house was completely desolate.
"Hmmm...Never pegged Escorpion as a Tom Jones fan," Dorothy ruminated as she inspected a vomitous rainbow of colored-vinyl pressings of "Delilah."
It's not unusual to be a Tom Jones fan..." shrugged Clement.
Marie rifled frantically through Escorpion's kitchen drawer. "Never mind all that. We've got to find Orion before someone shows up here!"
Julie sprawled herself out on a paisley pimp couch, fingering an MP3 player she had found on a space-age-retro coffee table. "Huh. I don't know how to turn this on... Must be one of those next gen iPods...Maybe it's the Tom Jones model...I wonder if he has "The Young New Mexican Puppeteer" on here..."
Dorothy looked over at the MP3 player in astonishment.
"Wait a minute!" she shouted as she took the device from Julie. "This is the same model Patina is downloaded on!"
Dorothy took Professor Patina from her purse. "What's your take on this, Professor?"
Patina inspected the object via his built-in camera and became very excited. "Yes! This is not 21st century technology!"
Due to her familiarity with the model Dorothy was easily able to turn it on...
....................................................................................................
I had spent decades cleaning the closets of my mind in a Hesychastic state, but decades meant nothing to me. Clocks stared with dead faces. It was five o' clock everywhere.
Walking the dead end streets of my rhombencephalon, I had discovered a state I could only describe as a terrifying inner peace and a comforting animal fear... The scarlet robe of death acceptance...
If the Orange Grove can be thought of as my psychic birth, and the Tropic of Pineapples my coming of age, then the Island Black must be accepted as my moment of psychic death. But what lied beyond?
This was the deep end of the pool. And the lifeguards weren't on duty this time of night...
There I stood in a field of placenta...At the center of the universe was a Sacred Tree and hanging from its tangled limbs, a single red apple: the color of a precious ruby or freshly spilled blood...Circling the Sacred Tree were the lions of the parietal lobe..."The true answer can only be another question!" they roar. I broke down, overwhelmed by the infinitude....
"You must not eat the apple...you must eat the apple...you must not eat the apple...you must eat the apple..." The lions mumbled in a cognitive loop, never deviating their elliptical orbit around the tree's trunk.
I plucked the apple... A serpent jacked off in anticipation (how he did this without arms is difficult to describe).
I took a bite. Possibilities began copulating and subjectivity was born. I was present and past-tense. A wave of consciousness flooded the universe in dark matter. Are chemical processes not physical substance? Thoughts thicken and coagulate, a single bright flower blossomed from my cerebral cortex...White light...
.......................................................................................
"D-dorothy?"
"Dad?"
Join us tomorrow for the true return of Orion and uh-oh SCORPIO....
Illiterate Truths:
September 13th, 2009 :
The suburbs of Altoona, Pennsylvania:
1528 East Front Street.
Buried deep in a subdivision (surrounded by barren strip malls, spiritually bankrupt industrial parks and hexed parking lots) was a nondescript, pale-white, single-family house.
Docteur Coorgan was on one knee, picking the lock on Escorpion's front door with a tool set he had brought with him on the plane.
"I'd never been on a plane before," said Julie with a mouthful of complimentary peanuts. "It was cool of them to let me have an extra bag of peanuts...I tell ya...I think that stewardess liked me..."
"Shhh! Julie! You're constant jabbering is going to draw attention!" Dorothy scolded, "If we get caught breaking into Escorpion's house we're in serious trouble!"
Julie shot Dorothy a dirty look. "There wasn't all this trouble before you showed up..."
"Please!" Pleaded Marie. "Can you two stop bickering for five minutes? It doesn't matter who caused what! All that matters is that we end it..."
Dorothy looked impatiently at her watch. "Docteur Coorgan...Are we almost in?"
"Oui! Do not rush me! Picking ze lock is like making love to a beautiful woman! You do not rush, yes?"
Julie swallowed another handful of peanuts. "How do you know so much about picking locks?"
"Ah! When I was un jeune garçon growing up on the Saône, I used to be a bit of a Cambrioleur..." Dr. Coorgan reminisced. "I would break into summer villas and steal bottles of Cote de Nuits Burgandy...Later in life I stopped stealing wine and started stealing ze hearts of women...."
"Huh," huh-ed Julie.
"Je l'ai! I've got it!"
Escorpion's door slowly opened...
Dr. Coorgan, Marie Lansing, Julie Hales, Dorothy and Clement Allsworth gingerly stepped over the "Not Welcome" mat and into the dank living room of Escorpion, himself.
Excluding an avalanche of Tom Jones memorabilia, the Ranch-style house was completely desolate.
"Hmmm...Never pegged Escorpion as a Tom Jones fan," Dorothy ruminated as she inspected a vomitous rainbow of colored-vinyl pressings of "Delilah."
It's not unusual to be a Tom Jones fan..." shrugged Clement.
Marie rifled frantically through Escorpion's kitchen drawer. "Never mind all that. We've got to find Orion before someone shows up here!"
Julie sprawled herself out on a paisley pimp couch, fingering an MP3 player she had found on a space-age-retro coffee table. "Huh. I don't know how to turn this on... Must be one of those next gen iPods...Maybe it's the Tom Jones model...I wonder if he has "The Young New Mexican Puppeteer" on here..."
Dorothy looked over at the MP3 player in astonishment.
"Wait a minute!" she shouted as she took the device from Julie. "This is the same model Patina is downloaded on!"
Dorothy took Professor Patina from her purse. "What's your take on this, Professor?"
Patina inspected the object via his built-in camera and became very excited. "Yes! This is not 21st century technology!"
Due to her familiarity with the model Dorothy was easily able to turn it on...
....................................................................................................
I had spent decades cleaning the closets of my mind in a Hesychastic state, but decades meant nothing to me. Clocks stared with dead faces. It was five o' clock everywhere.
Walking the dead end streets of my rhombencephalon, I had discovered a state I could only describe as a terrifying inner peace and a comforting animal fear... The scarlet robe of death acceptance...
If the Orange Grove can be thought of as my psychic birth, and the Tropic of Pineapples my coming of age, then the Island Black must be accepted as my moment of psychic death. But what lied beyond?
This was the deep end of the pool. And the lifeguards weren't on duty this time of night...
There I stood in a field of placenta...At the center of the universe was a Sacred Tree and hanging from its tangled limbs, a single red apple: the color of a precious ruby or freshly spilled blood...Circling the Sacred Tree were the lions of the parietal lobe..."The true answer can only be another question!" they roar. I broke down, overwhelmed by the infinitude....
"You must not eat the apple...you must eat the apple...you must not eat the apple...you must eat the apple..." The lions mumbled in a cognitive loop, never deviating their elliptical orbit around the tree's trunk.
I plucked the apple... A serpent jacked off in anticipation (how he did this without arms is difficult to describe).
I took a bite. Possibilities began copulating and subjectivity was born. I was present and past-tense. A wave of consciousness flooded the universe in dark matter. Are chemical processes not physical substance? Thoughts thicken and coagulate, a single bright flower blossomed from my cerebral cortex...White light...
.......................................................................................
"D-dorothy?"
"Dad?"
Join us tomorrow for the true return of Orion and uh-oh SCORPIO....
Friday, January 25, 2013
Punk rock dating chapter 72
Punk rock dating chapter 71: Clipped Coupons Cash Themselves In...
The Fan:
Dorothy didn't know how to feel, she had always hated me because I had essentially abandoned her as a child to devote my life to stopping Escorpion. On the other hand she loved me because, like it or not I was her father. So as she looked at my digital visage on the display screen of the MP3 player, she didn't know whether to say, "I love you" or "Fuck you!"
"You're...You're alive," is what she settled on.
"Yes. Although what constitutes life has become somewhat difficult to quantify in light of recent events..." I philosophized. "But my mind!...It is white hot!...I think I should become more eloquent once I have re-adjusted to existence but...in the meantime we must hurry and exit this place at once...before..."
The Front door exploded off the hinges in splinters as Escorpion kicked it down.
"...ahhh...shit."
"I could smell intruders a mile away! How did you find this place?" Escorpion snarled. As he scanned the room he found his answer. "Ah, yes...Sweet Marie. I knew your Mother very intimately... Several times, actually..."
He suddenly noticed the MP3 player Dorothy was holding.
"ORION!" His four remaining eyes widened.
He rallied his unseen forces, "SCORPIO! UNITE!"
Seconds later, Escorpion's living room flooded with Werewolves (drooling, fangs dripping, charging $5.00 for bottled water) and Billy boys (chains swinging, pomade-wearing, off-Broadway 'Grease' reviving).
Clement Allsworth turned pale at the sight of this unruly mob. He rolled up his corduroy sleeves. "Now...Listen...I don't think there's a single problem that can't be solved with a lively, intelligent conversation..."
A werewolf sprang from behind the ottoman and knocked Mr. Allsworth to his knees....
The brute's noxious breath fogged Clement's reading glasses as it prepared it's powerful jaws to rip his vulnerable throat...
Clement began to pray incoherently, "Our Father who art something...something," when unexpectedly a hot wash of blood covered his face.
Dorothy stood over Clement Allsworth and the newly-dead corpse of the Werewolf, a plume of smoke danced seductively from the barrel of her revolver.
Words failed Clement (as usual).
"You-you-saved me," he managed to sputter, "I-I think I love you..."
Neither he nor Dorothy had much time to reflect on these sentiments as a crushing wave of marauding Billy boys closed in on them.
"Bi-I-Bickey-Bi, Bo-Bo-Go" they chanted.
Dorothy grabbed a firm hold of the floor-rug they were standing on and gave it a swift yank, which caused the Billy boys to fall like Friday-night dominoes.
"There's too many of them! We can't beat these odds," I warned Dorothy.
"We can try and escape through the window... If we..." Dorothy's plan was interrupted by the smashing sound of a Billy boy chain crushing Professor Patina's plastic MP3 player.
"PROFESSOR!!!" she shrieked in anguish as she fired her gun indiscriminately. Werewolves and Billy boys fell before carelessly discharged bullets.
"Dorothy!" I scolded her. "I know the Professor meant a lot to you...He meant a lot to me too! But you can't just fire at random! You need to preserve your ammo! Or worse, you could kill one of our own!"
She attempted to regain her cool. "You're right..." Dorothy reloaded her Model 10. "My target is Escorpion...This ends tonight!"
"How Prophetic of you, Dorothy! I have always praised your prescience... " Escorpion smiled as he lifted the red gingham cloth off what we had presumed to be a table...
But this was to be no picnic.
"You've forced my hand, Orion...I had not intended to use this so soon, nonetheless..Behold! The H.O.T bomb!"
I am become H.O.T Bomb, Destroyer of Dinners...
The Fan:
Dorothy didn't know how to feel, she had always hated me because I had essentially abandoned her as a child to devote my life to stopping Escorpion. On the other hand she loved me because, like it or not I was her father. So as she looked at my digital visage on the display screen of the MP3 player, she didn't know whether to say, "I love you" or "Fuck you!"
"You're...You're alive," is what she settled on.
"Yes. Although what constitutes life has become somewhat difficult to quantify in light of recent events..." I philosophized. "But my mind!...It is white hot!...I think I should become more eloquent once I have re-adjusted to existence but...in the meantime we must hurry and exit this place at once...before..."
The Front door exploded off the hinges in splinters as Escorpion kicked it down.
"...ahhh...shit."
"I could smell intruders a mile away! How did you find this place?" Escorpion snarled. As he scanned the room he found his answer. "Ah, yes...Sweet Marie. I knew your Mother very intimately... Several times, actually..."
He suddenly noticed the MP3 player Dorothy was holding.
"ORION!" His four remaining eyes widened.
He rallied his unseen forces, "SCORPIO! UNITE!"
Seconds later, Escorpion's living room flooded with Werewolves (drooling, fangs dripping, charging $5.00 for bottled water) and Billy boys (chains swinging, pomade-wearing, off-Broadway 'Grease' reviving).
Clement Allsworth turned pale at the sight of this unruly mob. He rolled up his corduroy sleeves. "Now...Listen...I don't think there's a single problem that can't be solved with a lively, intelligent conversation..."
A werewolf sprang from behind the ottoman and knocked Mr. Allsworth to his knees....
The brute's noxious breath fogged Clement's reading glasses as it prepared it's powerful jaws to rip his vulnerable throat...
Clement began to pray incoherently, "Our Father who art something...something," when unexpectedly a hot wash of blood covered his face.
Dorothy stood over Clement Allsworth and the newly-dead corpse of the Werewolf, a plume of smoke danced seductively from the barrel of her revolver.
Words failed Clement (as usual).
"You-you-saved me," he managed to sputter, "I-I think I love you..."
Neither he nor Dorothy had much time to reflect on these sentiments as a crushing wave of marauding Billy boys closed in on them.
"Bi-I-Bickey-Bi, Bo-Bo-Go" they chanted.
Dorothy grabbed a firm hold of the floor-rug they were standing on and gave it a swift yank, which caused the Billy boys to fall like Friday-night dominoes.
"There's too many of them! We can't beat these odds," I warned Dorothy.
"We can try and escape through the window... If we..." Dorothy's plan was interrupted by the smashing sound of a Billy boy chain crushing Professor Patina's plastic MP3 player.
"PROFESSOR!!!" she shrieked in anguish as she fired her gun indiscriminately. Werewolves and Billy boys fell before carelessly discharged bullets.
"Dorothy!" I scolded her. "I know the Professor meant a lot to you...He meant a lot to me too! But you can't just fire at random! You need to preserve your ammo! Or worse, you could kill one of our own!"
She attempted to regain her cool. "You're right..." Dorothy reloaded her Model 10. "My target is Escorpion...This ends tonight!"
"How Prophetic of you, Dorothy! I have always praised your prescience... " Escorpion smiled as he lifted the red gingham cloth off what we had presumed to be a table...
But this was to be no picnic.
"You've forced my hand, Orion...I had not intended to use this so soon, nonetheless..Behold! The H.O.T bomb!"
I am become H.O.T Bomb, Destroyer of Dinners...
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Punk rock dating chapter 73
Punk rock dating chapter 73: The Final Countdown (cue synthesized trumpet fanfare)...
How to die:
Here it was...Under our noses the whole time...
...Not that I had a nose anymore, being merely encoded digital information and all...
...Technicalities aside...
Escorpion flipped the switch. An uneasy hum emanated from the device...
"That thing's going to kill billions of people! Dorothy...You must get me over to the bomb! Project 54 must commence NOW!"
Ah, Project 54, a secret weapon forged in the hedonistic fires of a famed Manhattan Nightclub...
Marie Lansing watched calmly as chaos erupted around her...
She looked over at Julie hiding under a table while Dorothy and I fought countless Billy boys...
She looked over at Clement Allsworth attempting to persuade a pack of Werewolves not to bite him...
She looked over at Docteur Coorgan...oh, wait...he was nowhere to be seen...Typical...
She looked out the window and could plainly see the house she grew up in...Painful memories of her Parents...Her disconnected days at Altoona High School...Her adolescent rejection...Endless suburban desolation...
Something snapped inside of Marie. The former ice queen began to melt...Her blood pressure rose...Her immaculate capped teeth began to grind..A veil of red burned behind her violet eyes...
"THAT'S IT!" rose a bellowing scream from the pit of her stomach. "Nobody fucks with my neighborhood!"
She raced toward Escorpion as fast as she could, tackling him with such force they both fell to the ground. She began raining blows on his remaining heads. Pounding! Pounding! Pounding!
However, Escorpion was still able to get a decent grip around her delicate neck and began to crush her windpipe...
But for now, Marie had successfully distracted Escorpion! Dorothy and I fought our way to the H.O.T Bomb which continued to mournfully sing its dire song...
Dorothy pointed her gun at the Werewolf that had Clement cornered and fired. With a single shot the Wolf fell dead.
Clement looked over at Dorothy and brushed the dust of battle off his dull-brown elephant-corded jacket. "Marry me." He proposed.
"Maybe later! We need you over here now!"
Clement hobbled over to the H.O.T Bomb.
"Mr. Allsworth!" I called to him. "Do you still have 'Punk rock dating' memorized?"
"Uhhh....yea...Nothing ever leaves once it gets up here," said Clement pointing at his head.
"God bless ya, Mr. Allsworth!" I would have given him a mostly heterosexual kiss if I still had lips. "We're going to have to take some shortcuts, but it should work! The H.O.T Bomb is built on the same technology as Aigipan's Psychic Projector...We don't have the 54 drive but I think we can bypass that problem!"
"How?" How-ed Clement.
"Wire me into the H.O.T Bomb..." I explained.
"I got ya," Clement smiled and began rewiring the bomb. Dorothy stood guard, wasting any SCORPIO agent unlucky enough to interfere with our mission.
Escorpion was still struggling with Marie on the floor when he noticed us defusing the bomb.
"Fools!" He crowed though a mouthful of broken teeth. "It's too late! The psychic blast cannot be stopped now! And once it projects the 'Mind Death' you're going to die! I'm going to die! We're all going to die!!!!"
Marie punched him squarely in the face to shut him up, but he still held Marie's throat in his powerful grip. Her initial blast of adrenalin had subsided and she was beginning to lose consciousness. Her frail limbs went limp...Her eyes rolled back into her head...
"Yes! Die, Marie Lansing! Feel the comfort of death's embrace...A warm flood..." Escorpion licked his bloody lips.
It was then that Julie Hales came out of her hiding place and stabbed Escorpion in the neck with a shard of sharp glass from a shattered retro-chic lava lamp."
Escorpion let loose a terrible howl, spanned his leathery wings and flew out the broken front entrance.
Dorothy followed him out into the yard, and continued firing at him as he vanished...
CRACK!
A fatal shot to Escorpion's second head...
With the exit of Escorpion, the remaining agents of SCORPIO adopted their dark leader's cowardly retreat...
We had defeated Escorpion and sent SCORPIO running, but unfortunately this was no time to rejoice...There remained the difficult task of disarming the H.O.T Bomb...The device could go off at any moment...
Julie helped Marie to her feet. The blood vessels in her eyes had burst from oxygen deprivation.
"Is it true what Escorpion said?" she asked in a choking rasp. "Is it too late to stop the H.O.T Bomb from detonating?"
"From detonating? Yes...The "Mind Death' will be transmitted into the thoughts of everyone...But I have discovered a higher psychic power...One that counter-acts its fatal touch... A telepathic transmission so powerful it can overcome any adversity..."
"And what is that?" asked Julie...
Join us tomorrow when we find out what "that" is...
How to die:
Here it was...Under our noses the whole time...
...Not that I had a nose anymore, being merely encoded digital information and all...
...Technicalities aside...
Escorpion flipped the switch. An uneasy hum emanated from the device...
"That thing's going to kill billions of people! Dorothy...You must get me over to the bomb! Project 54 must commence NOW!"
Ah, Project 54, a secret weapon forged in the hedonistic fires of a famed Manhattan Nightclub...
Marie Lansing watched calmly as chaos erupted around her...
She looked over at Julie hiding under a table while Dorothy and I fought countless Billy boys...
She looked over at Clement Allsworth attempting to persuade a pack of Werewolves not to bite him...
She looked over at Docteur Coorgan...oh, wait...he was nowhere to be seen...Typical...
She looked out the window and could plainly see the house she grew up in...Painful memories of her Parents...Her disconnected days at Altoona High School...Her adolescent rejection...Endless suburban desolation...
Something snapped inside of Marie. The former ice queen began to melt...Her blood pressure rose...Her immaculate capped teeth began to grind..A veil of red burned behind her violet eyes...
"THAT'S IT!" rose a bellowing scream from the pit of her stomach. "Nobody fucks with my neighborhood!"
She raced toward Escorpion as fast as she could, tackling him with such force they both fell to the ground. She began raining blows on his remaining heads. Pounding! Pounding! Pounding!
However, Escorpion was still able to get a decent grip around her delicate neck and began to crush her windpipe...
But for now, Marie had successfully distracted Escorpion! Dorothy and I fought our way to the H.O.T Bomb which continued to mournfully sing its dire song...
Dorothy pointed her gun at the Werewolf that had Clement cornered and fired. With a single shot the Wolf fell dead.
Clement looked over at Dorothy and brushed the dust of battle off his dull-brown elephant-corded jacket. "Marry me." He proposed.
"Maybe later! We need you over here now!"
Clement hobbled over to the H.O.T Bomb.
"Mr. Allsworth!" I called to him. "Do you still have 'Punk rock dating' memorized?"
"Uhhh....yea...Nothing ever leaves once it gets up here," said Clement pointing at his head.
"God bless ya, Mr. Allsworth!" I would have given him a mostly heterosexual kiss if I still had lips. "We're going to have to take some shortcuts, but it should work! The H.O.T Bomb is built on the same technology as Aigipan's Psychic Projector...We don't have the 54 drive but I think we can bypass that problem!"
"How?" How-ed Clement.
"Wire me into the H.O.T Bomb..." I explained.
"I got ya," Clement smiled and began rewiring the bomb. Dorothy stood guard, wasting any SCORPIO agent unlucky enough to interfere with our mission.
Escorpion was still struggling with Marie on the floor when he noticed us defusing the bomb.
"Fools!" He crowed though a mouthful of broken teeth. "It's too late! The psychic blast cannot be stopped now! And once it projects the 'Mind Death' you're going to die! I'm going to die! We're all going to die!!!!"
Marie punched him squarely in the face to shut him up, but he still held Marie's throat in his powerful grip. Her initial blast of adrenalin had subsided and she was beginning to lose consciousness. Her frail limbs went limp...Her eyes rolled back into her head...
"Yes! Die, Marie Lansing! Feel the comfort of death's embrace...A warm flood..." Escorpion licked his bloody lips.
It was then that Julie Hales came out of her hiding place and stabbed Escorpion in the neck with a shard of sharp glass from a shattered retro-chic lava lamp."
Escorpion let loose a terrible howl, spanned his leathery wings and flew out the broken front entrance.
Dorothy followed him out into the yard, and continued firing at him as he vanished...
CRACK!
A fatal shot to Escorpion's second head...
With the exit of Escorpion, the remaining agents of SCORPIO adopted their dark leader's cowardly retreat...
We had defeated Escorpion and sent SCORPIO running, but unfortunately this was no time to rejoice...There remained the difficult task of disarming the H.O.T Bomb...The device could go off at any moment...
Julie helped Marie to her feet. The blood vessels in her eyes had burst from oxygen deprivation.
"Is it true what Escorpion said?" she asked in a choking rasp. "Is it too late to stop the H.O.T Bomb from detonating?"
"From detonating? Yes...The "Mind Death' will be transmitted into the thoughts of everyone...But I have discovered a higher psychic power...One that counter-acts its fatal touch... A telepathic transmission so powerful it can overcome any adversity..."
"And what is that?" asked Julie...
Join us tomorrow when we find out what "that" is...
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Punk rock dating chapter 74
Punk rock dating chapter 74: Disco Daycare...
Flashback forward:
January 8th, 2100:
Bernadette had stepped out to pick up Dorothy from the daycare center. I was alone at home, making dinner (Olde Country Pork and Rice, my signature dish) and listening to the radio (WFRM: New York's home of the Electric Slide) when I heard the turbulent hush of a disheartened diva...
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified...."
I dropped my chafing-dish and stood chaste before Gloria Gaynor as she laid bare her celestial sorrows...
"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side..."
Unexpectedly the song, like Gloria's spirit, grew stronger:
"I learned how to CARRY ONNNNN..."
The minor chords had fooled me...This wasn't just some "woe-is-me-cry-in-your-coke-spoon" Disco Lento...
Strings began to swell feverishly...The hushed piano had given way to the sinuous strut of that supple beat...The hi-hat sizzled like make-up sex...Surely there would soon be a heavenly chorus of backing vocals to support Ms. Gaynor in her hour of need...
...But wait...
...It never happened...
This is the sound of one woman, still standing despite what her man has done to her (you go, girl...change those stupid locks...)...No double-track! No back-up vocalists! Gloria truly is all alone! But is she beaten? ohhhhh nooooo......
Never in all my travels in time and space had I experienced art that so ebulliently captured the ardor of human preserverence...
Sorrow, sex, suffering, salvation...IT WAS ALL HERE!
Sure! You can beat me up! Throw me down! Take my seat! Pork my wife! Steal my shoes! Borrow my lawn mower! Tape over my ballgame! Ruin my wedding! Fire my secretary! But, Honey..I WILL SURVIVE!!!
I spent the afternoon doing the Continental Hustle and waiting for Bernadette and Dorothy to come home...
...but they never arrived.
In a panic I called the holo-phone, but there was no answer. I ran out into the driveway to get into my 2100 hybrid gas/antimatter Gremlin to search for them when I noticed the interstate was a symphony of 12-car pile-ups...
I looked over and saw my neighbor, who had just been out watering his lawn, face down in the freshly cut grass. I moved closer to check his pulse. It seemed to still be going strong, yet no life danced in his eyes...
I walked along I-78 for five miles and saw the same scene everywhere...Pyramids of burning cars, crowds of warm cadavers, bathed in deathly silence...Could my beautiful wife and daughter have suffered this same ghastly fate? Could I really be the final soul to still roam this once thriving Earth?
The answer finally came when I spotted on the horizon a solitary man, stumbling in his blood-soaked suit...Certainly he had suffered unspeakable trauma...
"Friend!" I called to him. "What happened?"
"I...I don't know..." he murmured, seemingly in shock. "There I was...just driving home...listening to the radio...and suddenly the car in front of me stops...I was going too fast! There wasn't enough time!"
"Everyone appears to be have experienced some sort of brain death...This doesn't make sense! I...Wait! You were listening to the radio?"
"Yes."
There had been rumblings in the Zodiac underground that SCORPIO may have been planning some sort of telepathic attack... Was this it? It must have been! But how did I survive? And why did this poor wretch who stood before me yet live? Were we immune to psychic attacks or...?
"I was listening to the radio too! Maybe we were spared somehow because of that..." I postulated.
But that didn't make sense! After all, I'm sure most of these living corpses had been listening to the radio in their cars too, since that was not an uncommon activity...
"What were you listening to when all this went down?" I asked the man.
"I will never forget it! Time stopped...Every moment an eternity...The song forever burned in my mind...'I Will Survive."
"Wait! We were listening to the same radio station! WFRM!" I shouted. "The Disco station! I wonder if there was a frequency in their transmission that blocked the effects of the attack!"
The man stared at me with glassy eyes. "Station? I wasn't listening to any station... I was listening to "Gloria Gaynor's Greatest Hits" It was my own album..."
Could it be?
Could the Gloria Gaynor classic actually have the ability to counteract the effects of the H.O.T Bomb?! A song so strong that even the Bee Gee's "Tragedy" wasn't enough to keep it off the charts?
After wandering the wastes for some time, I decided it was time to do something about this. I was preparing my Time-slide to go back a couple of hours so I could pluck Dorothy and Bernadette out of the time-stream and take them back to 1979 with me, when a glacial chill sailed the seas of my spine...I was in the vicinity of an ill presence...
"Escorpion."
"Orion...Old friend..."
"I think you finally might have destroyed any semblance of friendship we might have had, Sir..."
"I have no regrets," Escorpion shrugged.
"Oh, you will..." I promised.
I set the controls of my Time-slide device, thought of an especially fond childhood memory (my first love, Cindy Anderson, handful of chicken grease, giving me a strident hand-job...) and I was off...
.............................................................................
"I Will Survive..." I answered Julie.
Clement had downloaded my consciousness into the H.O.T Bomb, I could feel the greedy telepathic tendrils of the "Mind Death" beginning its base broadcast to the brains of a nation...
...To counteract its effect I sang into the Psychic Projector what is now considered to be the definitive version of "I Will Survive" (an honor previously held by Phil Kelsey's 1993 Classic 12 Inch Mix)...
...But would clairvoyant karaoke be enough?
Tomorrow we find out when Achilles breaks a heel doing the Hot Chocolate to Orion's authoritative version of "Born To Be Alive..."
Flashback forward:
January 8th, 2100:
Bernadette had stepped out to pick up Dorothy from the daycare center. I was alone at home, making dinner (Olde Country Pork and Rice, my signature dish) and listening to the radio (WFRM: New York's home of the Electric Slide) when I heard the turbulent hush of a disheartened diva...
"At first I was afraid, I was petrified...."
I dropped my chafing-dish and stood chaste before Gloria Gaynor as she laid bare her celestial sorrows...
"Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side..."
Unexpectedly the song, like Gloria's spirit, grew stronger:
"I learned how to CARRY ONNNNN..."
The minor chords had fooled me...This wasn't just some "woe-is-me-cry-in-your-coke-spoon" Disco Lento...
Strings began to swell feverishly...The hushed piano had given way to the sinuous strut of that supple beat...The hi-hat sizzled like make-up sex...Surely there would soon be a heavenly chorus of backing vocals to support Ms. Gaynor in her hour of need...
...But wait...
...It never happened...
This is the sound of one woman, still standing despite what her man has done to her (you go, girl...change those stupid locks...)...No double-track! No back-up vocalists! Gloria truly is all alone! But is she beaten? ohhhhh nooooo......
Never in all my travels in time and space had I experienced art that so ebulliently captured the ardor of human preserverence...
Sorrow, sex, suffering, salvation...IT WAS ALL HERE!
Sure! You can beat me up! Throw me down! Take my seat! Pork my wife! Steal my shoes! Borrow my lawn mower! Tape over my ballgame! Ruin my wedding! Fire my secretary! But, Honey..I WILL SURVIVE!!!
I spent the afternoon doing the Continental Hustle and waiting for Bernadette and Dorothy to come home...
...but they never arrived.
In a panic I called the holo-phone, but there was no answer. I ran out into the driveway to get into my 2100 hybrid gas/antimatter Gremlin to search for them when I noticed the interstate was a symphony of 12-car pile-ups...
I looked over and saw my neighbor, who had just been out watering his lawn, face down in the freshly cut grass. I moved closer to check his pulse. It seemed to still be going strong, yet no life danced in his eyes...
I walked along I-78 for five miles and saw the same scene everywhere...Pyramids of burning cars, crowds of warm cadavers, bathed in deathly silence...Could my beautiful wife and daughter have suffered this same ghastly fate? Could I really be the final soul to still roam this once thriving Earth?
The answer finally came when I spotted on the horizon a solitary man, stumbling in his blood-soaked suit...Certainly he had suffered unspeakable trauma...
"Friend!" I called to him. "What happened?"
"I...I don't know..." he murmured, seemingly in shock. "There I was...just driving home...listening to the radio...and suddenly the car in front of me stops...I was going too fast! There wasn't enough time!"
"Everyone appears to be have experienced some sort of brain death...This doesn't make sense! I...Wait! You were listening to the radio?"
"Yes."
There had been rumblings in the Zodiac underground that SCORPIO may have been planning some sort of telepathic attack... Was this it? It must have been! But how did I survive? And why did this poor wretch who stood before me yet live? Were we immune to psychic attacks or...?
"I was listening to the radio too! Maybe we were spared somehow because of that..." I postulated.
But that didn't make sense! After all, I'm sure most of these living corpses had been listening to the radio in their cars too, since that was not an uncommon activity...
"What were you listening to when all this went down?" I asked the man.
"I will never forget it! Time stopped...Every moment an eternity...The song forever burned in my mind...'I Will Survive."
"Wait! We were listening to the same radio station! WFRM!" I shouted. "The Disco station! I wonder if there was a frequency in their transmission that blocked the effects of the attack!"
The man stared at me with glassy eyes. "Station? I wasn't listening to any station... I was listening to "Gloria Gaynor's Greatest Hits" It was my own album..."
Could it be?
Could the Gloria Gaynor classic actually have the ability to counteract the effects of the H.O.T Bomb?! A song so strong that even the Bee Gee's "Tragedy" wasn't enough to keep it off the charts?
After wandering the wastes for some time, I decided it was time to do something about this. I was preparing my Time-slide to go back a couple of hours so I could pluck Dorothy and Bernadette out of the time-stream and take them back to 1979 with me, when a glacial chill sailed the seas of my spine...I was in the vicinity of an ill presence...
"Escorpion."
"Orion...Old friend..."
"I think you finally might have destroyed any semblance of friendship we might have had, Sir..."
"I have no regrets," Escorpion shrugged.
"Oh, you will..." I promised.
I set the controls of my Time-slide device, thought of an especially fond childhood memory (my first love, Cindy Anderson, handful of chicken grease, giving me a strident hand-job...) and I was off...
.............................................................................
"I Will Survive..." I answered Julie.
Clement had downloaded my consciousness into the H.O.T Bomb, I could feel the greedy telepathic tendrils of the "Mind Death" beginning its base broadcast to the brains of a nation...
...To counteract its effect I sang into the Psychic Projector what is now considered to be the definitive version of "I Will Survive" (an honor previously held by Phil Kelsey's 1993 Classic 12 Inch Mix)...
...But would clairvoyant karaoke be enough?
Tomorrow we find out when Achilles breaks a heel doing the Hot Chocolate to Orion's authoritative version of "Born To Be Alive..."
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