Punk rock dating : chapters 20-28

Punk rock chapter 20: Ze Meeting...

Dr. Coorgan's First Meeting With Clement Allsworth:

February 1st, 2009 : Tucson, AZ.

"Can I help you?" Clement asked opening his door.

"Oui, Monsieur Allsworth... I am from ze futur!" exclaimed Dr. Coorgan grandly.

"The...uhhh... future?"

"Oui! The futur!"

"Oh, then come on in..." Clement opened the door and let the good doctor in.

"Sacre Bleu! What a fantastique hovel you have here, Monsieur Allsworth," Dr Coorgan sneered looking at the leaning tower of dishes, the army of cats, the living room decorated in a rotting trash motif.

Clement scratched his head, "I...uhhh....wasn't expecting guests..."

"So, you are a writair..."

"Yes, yes...I've written a few books..."

"Oui. I HATE your writing."

"Oh."

"But my confidant, Orion...He loves eet! He sent me in ze time machine. We need your help..."

Clement was skeptical but he had watched enough reruns of "The Time Tunnel" and soon warmed to the idea of a traveler from the future. I first met Dr. Coorgan when I traveled from 1979 to 2070. He taught advanced Parapsychology at Texas State University and I quickly became his star pupil. I shared with him the knowledge of Special Relativity and Quantum Psychics that I picked up from my apprenticeship with Professor Patina (inventor of the time-slide). In return he taught me practical E.S.P and how to locate my inner passport to the Tropic of Pineapples.

I had the Libran approve an expensive time-slide to 2009 for Dr. Coorgan. Because of his telepathic abilities, I figured Dr. Coorgan would make a better recruiter than I. He was able to ease Mr. Allsworth's mind and also implant a psychic suggestion to clean his house. This was where Dr. Coorgan first entered Clement's mind...

"Incroyable..." he incredibled. "So complex...Such white hot light.... Such poetry..Such love...Us French, we know much of love...But not like theez..."

Clement was equally stunned by having his mind intruded upon.

Dr. Coorgan's psychic surgery implanted the details of Project 54 and soon Clement Allsworth was ready to start work on his most challenging literary puzzle yet... "Punk rock dating". Clement spent the next few months encoding the information in the document . When finished, Clement hid the manuscript for "Punk rock dating" in a safety deposit box where I picked it up upon my arrival in the year 2070. As I flipped through it's pages I was so taken with how ingeniously the information was hidden! I couldn't help but gush and embarrass poor Mr. Allsworth when I later (earlier?) met him in the year 1980 at our historic summit at the Starlite cafe...


The cosmic dramedy continues tomorrow when we discuss the tragic rise and fall of Professor Patina and the spiders from Mars...


Punk rock dating no. 21: Girl on Ghoul Action...

The Spectral Day-Planner:

Julie Hales had a long day at the Starlite Cafe, standing on her feet for eight hours, getting belittled by asshole customers, taking shit from her cretinous boss. The only way she could unwind was by kicking back in front of her PC and writing some especially dark poetry. Oh, what ravens would haunt her blog tonight...

After a bout with "the black reality of meaningless existence" and some time spent with "Nazi-father figures," she felt like a shiny relaxed time bomb. Luckily, Princess Mary was kindly enough to decide Julie wanted a beer.

"You're so good to me Mary..." she sighed into the brown bottle.

"I'm glad I decided that you appreciate me so much," purred the spectral princess.

"I wish you were still alive... We could hang out for real...Not that I don't appreciate the kind of hanging out we do now...but....I ...I think...No, I know I love you..."

"You know that it can't be like that, Julie," the ghost booed.

"I know, but...Hey! What if I kill myself? We could hang out then! In heaven or ghost-land or wherever you are..." Julie was suddenly animated.

"Noooo, Julie. It's not yet your time..."

"Hey, Princess, if you were, like, y'know...Still living and I was around in the 1700's..."

"1800's," corrected Princess Mary.

"Sorry. The 1800's...do you think I would’ve stood a chance with you? You think we might have gone on a date or gotten married or...?"

"I don't think so, Julie. Such things weren't proper in my time..."

Julie's heart and eyes sank...

"But.." the Princess continued, "If I was around in...say, the 2000's...Well..I think you would have a fair shot, young lady."

Julie lit up, "It's nice to hear that someone loves me...even if you are long dead royalty."

"Lots of people love you..."

"Not really. My Mom loves me sometimes...I think...and my creepy boss and some of the guys at work hit on me, but I don't count that as love. Love is different, I think..."

"Go on," prompted the spirit.

"Love is like, when everything and everyone in the world knows it can't happen... Like, say one person is a ghost and the other person is like this girl... and everyone, even the ghost and the girl say it can't happen...but it does anyway...."

"Now...Julie. Would that ghost and that girl, by any chance, be me and you...?"

"I dunno...maybe..."

"You know that's impossible..."

"Yea, love is impossible..." Julie took another deep pull off the beer, "Hey, y'know, I saw a girl at the bus stop that looked just like you! She was beautiful. At first I thought it was you...but I realized that was impossible."

Which meant it was love.

"Yes. I know you saw someone who looked like me, and I know you're going to meet her again," said Princess Mary Adelaide of Cambridge...

"Tell me more..." Julie demanded, but as she moved the planchette across the Ouija board, it spelled out "10:31 P.M: Time for bed...."


Join us tomorrow where all the folks say "How-do-you-do?" and all the roosters crow , "Cock-a-doodle doo..."


Punk rock dating no. 22: The Tight Chain of Freedom...

Even when she was free she had no real choices:

The SCORPIO code: "When all has gone wrong start over..."

"She's a writer," gasped Julie over her bowl of cereal.

On the television Marie Lansing discussed her latest book "Pieces of Christine."

The book was called "Pieces of Christine" because the book starts with the main character, Christine, sitting in her bedroom looking into a handheld mirror.

Christine's Mother opened the door.

"Christine. I don't know how to say this..." tears welled up in her Mother's eyes, "Your Father...His plane...It crashed over Charleston, South Carolina."

Christine was so shocked by this awful news that she dropped her mirror onto the floor.

It shattered into a hundred pieces.

Christine never cleaned up the pieces.

Every morning from that moment on, she would look at her myriad reflections, cast back from the scattered shards strewn across her hardwood floor.

She imagined that each one was a different person and everyday she chose one of those people to be....

100 Million people read it but Julie wasn't one of them. She loved books and had a huge library but she only ever made it about 10 pages into any given book. Sometimes she'd just read the dust jacket and the first page and the last page and tell people she had read it. She used to imagine what could have possibly happened in-between and how great and exciting the book must have been... but she'd never really know. The stories she wrote in her head were usually better anyway.

Julie looked at her schedule:

8:58 a.m. : Consult Ouija board in great shock.

This was what she did.

"Princess! Princess!" she shouted moving the planchette wildly. Soon the ectoplasmic face of Princess Mary Adelaide of Cambridge floated above the board.

"Your Highness... I've found her! The girl from the bus stop! The one you said I'd meet again!"

"Marie Lansing?" asked the ghost knowingly.

"Yes!" shouted Julie, "You KNOW her?"

"I know of her dear child. You really ought to read more. Maybe I'll schedule you a long, good weekend with 'War and Peace'."

"When can I meet her? Where is that TV show filmed? I'll go now..."

"No! You'll meet her eventually. Do not rush things, I have already planned it..."

"I don't care! I gotta go! I gotta know more about her! We were destined to be together! You said it yourself! We're gonna meet and fall in love..."

Mary's ghost corrected Julie, "I never said..."

"I don't care what you said, I don't HAVE to listen to you! I can have free will if I want!" Julie shouted uncontrollably.

This was a lover's quarrel that spanned many dimensions, including life and death...

Julie suddenly decided she didn't need to be told what to do every second of her life! She was getting on the next bus to New York and was determined to find Marie. She scraped together what little money she had, stormed out the door and didn't look back. She was finally free of the tyranny of fate.

However, if she had looked back she would have seen a sheet of paper on the floor, in hand writing half-florid/half-scrawled....

9:15 a.m : Renounce me and walk out the door. Buy a bus ticket to New York and meet Marie Lansing against my wishes...


Tomorrow we take a closer look at the months that lead up to the writing of "Pieces of Christine" and watch in horror as Oprah walks the blurry line between book club and death cult...


Punk rock dating no. 23: The Finish Line...

bite-sized journeys and wide-eyed journals:

1979: Studio 54:

"Those WEE-JEE boards you see in those movies and comic books...They don't do a damn thing," explained The Supernatural Proctologist.

"It doesn't summon ghosts, spirits, demons, cheap dates...Doesn't summon a damn thing!" he continued, "It's a registered trademark of Parker Bros. There's some assembly line somewhere in China shittin' them things out along with Trivial Pursuit boards. I'd estimate it's equally if not MORE, trivial than Trivial pursuit! Sheer want! Unbridled need! That's how I summoned the spirit of Princess Mary to the physical plane! This dowsing rod I use..It's just something to get the ladies all worked up..."

"I had suspected as much," I said drinking a Manhattan in Manhattan.

"Ohhhhh, yea, total B.S., " The Supernatural Proctologist scoffed as he loosened his tie and did a rail off a nubile roller-discoing ass...

"What do you call this stuff again? Cocaine? Not bad," he sniffed, eyes watering. "Kind of gets the ol' juices flowing..."

.......................................................................................................

2009: A bus halfway between Ohio and New York:

Julie's perpetually cheery face looked in deep concentration as she scribbled her darkest poetry into a pink notebook:

"Death haunts my every step,
black breath on my white neck,
I run so fast to fill my life,
the finish line's still in the same place..."

She was feeling cold. She put on her Strawberry Shortcake hoodie. She felt free. The chains were sufficiently invisible at this particular moment....

At that exact same moment in Tucson, AZ, Clement Allsworth picked up the copy of "Pieces of Christine" Marie had given him. He placed page one of "Punk rock dating" just so over page one of "Pieces of Christine"...


Tomorrow holds the answers to the questions that keep the mothers worrying about the children who stumble in the dark...


Punk rock dating no. 24: How Television Works...

Julie in New York:

New York City 2009:

Julie walked past the Roundabout Theatre Company building and around the corner to the television studio where "The Book Club” was filmed. After a 15 hour bus ride she couldn't believe she was going to finally meet Marie Lansing.

She stridently walked up to the door of the Television Studio.

"Excuse me, Miss...Where do you think you're going?" asked the Security Guard.

"My name is Julie Hales and I'm here to see Marie Lansing!"

"You're not going in without a pass and it doesn't matter...Marie Lansing hasn't been here in a week."

"I-I just saw her on TV this morning. She was here...."

"Heh," heh-ed the Security Guard, "That show wasn't live....She came here last week and filmed it."

For whatever reason the fact that television shows were filmed in advance had never crossed Julie's mind. "Huh," was all she had to say.

She thought it over a little longer and decided it was time to explain, "You see, the ghost of Princess Mary Adelaide of Cambridge said I was going to meet her today and..."

"The ghost of WHO? " asked the Security Guard.

"The Ouija board I have at home... It summons this ghost... I can see it...hear it...and in its ghostly voice it tells me what to do everyday..."

"So you do whatever the 'voices' say, eh?"

"Well, yea...I was tired of making my own choices but I think I'm tired of being tired of making choices now... I wanna see Marie and fall in love with her...and I thought of all this! This was all MY decision!"

The Cop silently dialed the police.

Soon Julie found herself in the back of a police car....


Punk rock dating: Chapter 25: Mizz Understandings...

you know the type:

Manhattan, 2009:

The phone rings in the luxury suite of the Captain Hotel.

"Hello?" answers Marie Lansing.

"Ah, yes, Mrs. Lansing..."

"Mizz Lansing..." she corrected.

"Oh, yes! Mizz Lansing... Sorry...This is Officer Moore at the Police Station, we picked up a suspicious character downtown and we don't know how long we can hold her. She didn't technically do anything wrong outside of attempting to trespass. She's responsible for a very minor disturbance...."

"Why are you telling me all this?" asked Marie impatiently.

"Well, Mizz Lansing...we're afraid it might be a stalker..."

"Oh, dear," She whispered in horror.

"She goes by the name Julie Hales and her I.D says she's from Michigan and..."

"Excuse me. Did you say Julie Hales?"

"You know her?"

"It's hard to explain...That's the name of the lead character in my first book, 'Finnegan's Blog'...Have you read it?"

"Not much of a reader, Mizz. I'm more the 'Monday Night Wrasslin' type."

"Yes. I suppose you would be."

"But yea... I just wanted to make you aware before we let her go...."

"Thank you Officer..."

Marie gently set the phone back down.

She could feel the world slightly turn.



Join us tomorrow for more fast-paced crime drama...hell, maybe we'll be able to pencil in a jaywalking offense or two...



Punk rock dating: Chapter 26: Police Story...

Bail bonds that last a lifetime:

Marie stormed into the Precinct. "I'm here to see Julie Hales..."

"Right there Ma'am," a friendly Officer pointed to a disheveled girl sitting in a chair,
handcuffed, grinning ear to ear...

Time stops.

(queue the break-dancing music of the spheres...)

Marie was visibly rattled.

"I know you," she said in an awed whisper. "I created you."

"Yes," swooned Julie. "You created me... I was nothing before you!"

Keep in mind she still hadn't (and never would) read "Finnegan's Blog."

"I'll be taking her home now, Officer. Thank you very much for holding her," said Marie, as she regained her considerable composure.

The kindly Officer was generous enough to remove Julie's tight handcuffs...Physically and spiritually speaking....



In 24 hours: Big questions and Small answers...



Punk rock dating no. 27: The Shadows we cast in the Faces of Others...

The Continental Breakfast of Discovery:

Marie took Julie Hales up to suite 80 at the Captain Hotel.

"Hey! A hot tub!" noted Julie as she walked into the posh suite.

"Yes. Maybe later. But, tell me... What is your real name?" Marie asked, attempting to get down to business.

"I told you...I'm Julie Hales. Is this where you live? I can pack all my stuff and move in here with you...We'll cuddle every night...Make cocoa...watch 'Strawberry Forever."

Marie's heart swelled at Julie's innocence, she wanted to protect her, embrace her, break her.

Julie must have only been a few years younger than Marie but she carried herself so much differently. When people met Marie they were usually surprised to find out she was so young. When people met Julie they figured she was just some dumb high school girl. Regardless, Marie had to break her infatuation and get some real answers...

"Julie Hales is a made-up character from one of my books...Did you change your name?" Marie grilled. "Is it a fake I.D? I mean, what's going on?"

Julie opened up a complimentary bag of pretzels, "Hmmm. Never read that book. I didn't know you were a writer until I saw you on TV this morning. But I am a big reader...I just started "A Tale of Two Cities" actually; I love that first line...."

"So, you had no idea about the Julie Hales character I invented?"

"Huh? No. But I would say that's just fate, knocking on our door..."

Cue knocking on the door.

Marie opened the door only to come face to French face with Dr. Coorgan:

"Bonjour, Miz Lansing...There is no time to explain...You muzt come with me right away, Oui?"

Dr. Coorgan grabbed Marie by the arm and Julie grabbed a hold of Marie.

"Wherever you're going I'm going too!" Julie said defiantly.

"Quelle horreur! We have no time for theez! Whatevair...Let us go now..." Dr. Coorgan prepared the time-slide for three people and transported them all to a certain summer night in 1980...


Tomorrow be prepared to face the Man with your face, not to mention, FINALLY all in one place: Orion, Clement Allsworth, Marie Lansing, Julie Hales, Dr. Francois Coorgan and The Supernatural Proctologist , sitting down for a thrilling quiche!


Punk rock dating no. 28: The Conference Act 1

Ancient Grease:

The Starlite Cafe, 1980:

"What? You brought me to WORK?" Julie shouted.

"Relax," reassured Docteur Coorgan. " Orion eez buying..."

Chipped Plates, dirty spoons, air slicked with grease: Dr. Coorgan , Julie Hales, and Marie Lansing walked into the cheesy 50's diner. This retro shit was getting old...even in 1980...

"Booth # 83 is Sarah's booth, " said Julie knowingly. "Hell of a waitress, courteous, attentive...nice ass..."

"Sarah won't be born for a few more years, I'm afraid..." I said, putting down my menu... The Quiche was especially tempting on this humid June night.

"Hmmm, my cellphone's not getting a signal..." Julie pondered.

"YOU!" Marie shouted in surprise, astonished to see Clement Allsworth.

"It's...uhhh... hard to get good vegetarian cuisine this early in the 80's," he replied, pretending to ignore Marie.

"Now that everyone's here and the Quiche is arriving, I believe we should start the meeting," I announced, "Sorry about the hasty preparations. I wish I could have given you more notice, but me, Dr. Coorgan, and The Supernatural Proctologist had to sneak into LIBRA headquarters and initiate an unauthorized time-slide. So unfortunately we must make this brief...."

Marie had started to lose her composure again. Where was she? What was happening. Who are these people? Marie had to face facts. She had somehow lost control.

"Relax, ma'am. Some blow? Take the edge off?" The S.P offered her.

"Stay away from me..."

It was time to start: "I understand time travel can be upsetting. Do not be embarassed... Most do not handle it well... Except you Mr. Allsworth. You seem to be taking this in stride..."

Clement saluted and swallowed a large spoonful of peas....

"But," I continued, "I wouldn't have brought us all here if it wasn't important! We are the key players in a losing battle...A hidden war between secret Zodiac street-gangs that is eventually going to end in the destruction of civilization as we know it...Except you Julie...I don't know why you're here, actually."

Dr. Coorgan shrugged.

"Wherever Marie goes I go..." Julie again insisted.

"Whatevair!” Dr. Coorgan frenched loudly.

"Hey, Orion..." said Clement hoisting his spoon high, "I'm already around in 1980...Why go through the trouble of time-slidin' me back here...?"

"In 1980 you had not yet started work on 'Punk rock dating.' As a writer you were not yet prepared to take on such an important work," I explained.

"The 80's were kinda gay," philosophized Julie.

"Okay. I'm going to pretend that everyone here isn't completely and utterly insane. But in your own twisted minds...What could I possibly have to do with this?"

"Well, Marie," I well-Maried,"Unfortunately, you have been dragged into this unwittingly, due to the machinations of others. Most notably my daughter Dorothy....Whom I believe you have already met."

"Yes," said Marie solemnly, "I have met Dorothy."

"Yes. I know you have. I regret that I could not have been a better father to her."

"You mentioned 'others.' Who else involved me in this insanity?" demanded Marie.

"Well... Mr. Allsworth, I'm afraid."

Marie shot Clement a look so cold every thermometer in the city instantly plummeted ten degrees... Subsequently a cold front moved through Lawrence, Logan and Pike counties, eventually making it's way into Holmes, causing the great Holmes County Tornado of
June 7th 1980...

"Who's Dorothy?" Julie asked herself.


Join us tomorrow for more small talk and the arrival of the COSMIC QUICHE! Also watch in horror as Orion forgets to tip his waitress...